Sunday, April 18, 2010

A middle-aged man's guide to social protocol

Following are a few things guys my age do, which seem okay at the time, but actually make us look stupid:

1) Using terms that we think make us sound cool, but the kids stopped saying them years ago. Here's a composite sentence, containing as many of these terms as I can include:
"Really?  I know, right? Dude, I feel you. I totally get that, and it's hella filthy, but the 411 is that I'm not on it 24/7, dog." I've used each of these colloquial expressions at one time or another.

2) Wearing football jerseys or other authentic team apparel around town. We see Lebron James or Drew Brees looking awesome in this stuff and then we notice it hanging up at Foot Locker. We spend eighty dollars, tote it home, put it on and wear it to the grocery store once. Not flattering on a short, white, middle-aged, narrow-shouldered papa. A subset of this category is long, white basketball shorts.

3) Driving with the windows down, playing classic rock really loud.

4) Not waiting for your wife to return home to help you move the TV.

5) Supersizing it, double-stuffing it, adding extra cheese, bacon or ranch dressing or starting off things with an appetizer.  This was my Thursday night.

6) Sprinting.

7) Watching National Lampoon's Vacation with your ten-year-old, because you forgot about the scene where they visited cousin Eddie.

8) And finally, this suggestion comes from the aforementioned ten-year-old:
Taking off your shirt.

These are merely suggestions. Results may vary, depending on how things went for you as the oldest guy at the all-ages, Euro mix beats club last night.


  1. Wait a minute---how big of a TV are we talking about? Does it make one more or less cool to have a 20-year-old TV a toddler could carry?

  2. It makes one cooler to have a "vintage" TV. However, I'm referring to the kind you within which a family of four could vacation. My dad gave it to us after he upgraded.