Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Dream Team Hall of Fame

Dream Team.

It's become such an overused term, such a cliché. It's used to describe any assembly of all-stars or any group of entities stacked mercilessly against its opponent.

Here's the original Dream Team, the 1992 USA Olympic basketball squad:

After witnessing the complete erosion of its advantage in the amateur arena, the US Olympic Committee decided it was time to re-assert American dominance in basketball, kind of like when your big brother switches to his dominant hand after you've beaten him at H-O-R-S-E too many times.

These guys destroyed everyone in their path on the rode to Barcelona gold in '92. It was almost embarrassing to watch Charles Barkley dunk over a 5'10" malnourished Angolan, but the Americans accomplished the task, short shorts and all.

Since then, dream teams have risen up in all areas of pop culture. The O.J. Simpson Dream Team, consisting up of superstar barristers Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey, Barry Scheck, Johnny Cochrane and Alan Dershowitz, muddled the jurors minds with so much doubt, both reasonable and not, that the glove never fit. And oh, did they acquit.

Other dream teams have emerged over time, like the formidable lineup of ABC's The View or my co-workers and I. And just the other night, Chris Bosh, Duane Wade and Lebron James debuted as the new-look, omnipotent trio of the NBA's Miami Heat.

Here's the scene last summer, when James and Bosh signed free agent contracts with the Heat, and before the ink had even dried, the organization staged a little debutante ball for the three.

Tuesday night, someone forgot to tell the Boston Celtics about the chosen three from Miami, so they went ahead and unceremoniously walloped the Heat. Hopefully, those ringers from South Beach will lose all their other games as well.

However, what I'm really here to discuss are some of the lesser known dream teams. We don't often take notice of them, but every one is a tour de force in its own right. First of all there's the male, adult contemporary, easy listening dream team of Kenny G and Michael Bolton. Witness their brilliance for yourself:

Other worthy additions to this juggernaut would have been John Tesh, Yanni or any other dude who played a solo show at Red Rocks.

Another notable triumvirate is the "I can't spell Constitution, so how am I supposed to understand it" dream team of Christine O'Donnell, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann:

If you could somehow combine all of their brains into one huge mason jar, you'd have enough room left over to fill one huge mason jar.

Not all dream teams need to be human. How about that magical grouping of hangover treatments:

Eggs benedict,

a nice bloody mary,

and relaxing on the couch with a huge bacon sandwich to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Hits the spot, eh?

There's also the steroid dream team, made up of:

Mark McGwire,

Carrot Top, and

Madonna's arms.

And don't forget the mullet dream team of:

Billy Ray Cyrus,


and Scarlett Johansson.

So keep your eyes peeled and you'll start to notice these magical combinations. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for a maple bar, coffee and a cigarette.

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