Monday, November 1, 2010

Ten reasons why I'm glad tomorrow is election day

10) I get one last opportunity to watch Wolf Blitzer's hairdo against the undulating backdrop of CNN's red and blue touch screen election predictor. It gives my cat grand mall seizures, but it's well worth it.

9) Tea Party candidates can finally stop being so freaking ignorant about civics and learn about government the same way I did—by watching the complete Schoolhouse Rock collection on DVD.

8) I don't have to watch any more obnoxious political ads during football games. From now on, it's back to beer, car and Cialis commercials. And speaking of Cialis, what's up with those twin bathtubs? One of you is going to have to eventually get out of your small, single tub without slipping, and into the other small, single tub, just like Fred and Wilma did when they wanted a little Yabba Dabba Doo.

7) The Tea Party Candidates can return to their wives and children. In Utah, that means one candidate per every four wives and sixteen children.

6) In Washington state, all of those Dino Rossi signs will again be put away for another four years.

5) The Tea Party candidates, including their champion, Sarah Palin, will put forth a colossal effort to become more inclusive. Ms. Palin was recently heard telling Sean Hannity, "If the Devil also wears Prada, then by golly, we've got somethin' in common."

4) Meg Whitman can finally let those people out of her mini-storage unit and get someone to clean her silver tea service.

3) The Tea Party candidates can explain to their voters why their ballots were voided: You're only supposed to fill in the dots, not connect them.

2) Christine O'Donnell can finally move back to her sorority, ditch those stuffy fundraisers and go to the homecoming kegger with her hot new boyfriend. He's a Sigma Nu!

1) Each and every member of the Tea Party can finally stop blaming the President for their morbid obesity, skyrocketing triglycerides and their daughter's boyfriend's meth habit.

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