Monday, December 27, 2010

2010: The Year the Vatican Found a Loophole.

Welcome to "Curtain Rod Week"—that series of days which wedges itself between the past year and the frontier that is 2011.

This is the week when we see and read all of those "year in review" features, all of those top ten, twenty and hundred lists. I usually hear the finale sometime around 11:54 on New Year's Eve, when the local rock station cranks up "Stairway to Heaven," the top song of all time for the twenty-seventh year in a row (I'm sure Led Zeppelin made a deal with Satan to achieve such lofty status). Nothing beats ushering in Baby New Year with a bustle in my hedgerow.

I'm fully aware that many don't like these lists, and I tend to agree; nothing is less objective than judging an event's significance based on opinion alone. And that's why the list I'm about to divulge is merely the jaundiced view of this writer. Take it with a grain of salt (preferably sea salt, because it's totally in right now).

My top ten happenings of 2010:

10) Full body scanners hit airports—What's the big deal? Both my parents and Jamie Lee Curtis's had to make a tough choice after our births, and finally everyone in the airport can appreciate the awesome call my parents made.

9) Chilean miners are rescued—This was an uplifting event, literally. If I could teach my kids the type of patience and endurance that those guys had, they might wait for me to go to the bathroom before opening their presents next time.

8) Florida church plans "Burn the Koran" day—That mine's empty now, right?

7) Proposition 19, for the decriminalization of marijuana, is narrowly defeated in California—If only the Hot Pocket and chocolate milk lobbyists had worked a tiny bit harder.

6) Arizona passes tough anti-immigration law—But please, the fine people of Arizona still want your tourist dollars, so come on down! Just, you know, try not to get too tan while you're there.

5) Sex scandal embroils the Vatican leadership—Apparently, a couple of guys in Pope Benedict's inner circle involved themselves in a homosexual prostitution ring. If I'm not mistaken, the Bible mentions absolutely nothing about guys being hookers. Look it up.

4) Mel Gibson's misogynistic rant against his girlfriend is caught on tape—Come on, give him a break. Maybe she reminded him of his daughter, who got home past curfew last night and forgot to fill up the Tercel.

3) Ash cloud from Iceland volcano shuts down European air travel—This is obviously an unprecedented instrument of environmental terrorism, introduced by a strong, new spoke in the axis of evil—Iceland.

2) The United States Supreme Court overturns ban on direct corporate spending on elections—Hello? Of  course corporations should get the same rights as people—big, fat, rich people who don't pay taxes. Simply add fifteen thousand Oxycontin tabs and you've got Rush Limbaugh.

1) Congress passes a health care overhaul, cracking down on insurance company abuses—Seriously? No one has the right to health insurance, especially that guy who was late delivering my paper on Christmas morning.

Let's hope 2011 greets us with a new outlook: one of sanity, justice and compassion.

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