Saturday, January 22, 2011

Sarah, it’s time for you to run along.

It's probably not a manly thing to do. And I realize the time could have been used much better changing the oil or cleaning the oven or meditating to Kenny G.

But I did it anyway...I watched the Golden Globes.

Every time I tune in to any type of awards show,  I marvel at how beautiful everyone is, how their incisors gleam in the flash bulb light, how the silky ivory of each Vera Wang gown jumps to attention from the crimson carpet.

And then I remember that it's just another competition; it's no different from the elementary school student council elections or the Pillsbury Bake-off or The Gong Show.

Our society is so obsessed with competing and winning. Why? We vie for titles in eating, drinking, dog showing, cooking...even losing weight. The winner steps to the podium as a conquering hero, while whomever achieves second place in Iron Chef is relegated to the culinary scrap heap, even though she can whip up an Eggs Benedict that would make you see John the Baptist.

Back in 1939, Gone With the Wind defeated The Wizard of Oz for the Best Picture Academy Award. Was there really any kind of defeat? No way. Both movies are classics. In fact, had the two movies actually gone mano e mano, the Wizard of Oz would've completely stomped the combined armies form Gone With the Wind through the tactical prowess of those winged monkeys.

And to take things a step further, if Rhett Butler had gone toe to toe against the Wicked Witch of the West, well...let's just say I know who would've ended up on top.

America needs winners and losers.We hate ties.

If that familiar phrase, "A tie is like kissing your sister," holds any accuracy, the only people whom I'm sure are satisfied with ties reside in remote areas of Snohomish County, where a tie is considered foreplay.

Usually, after a hotly contested battle, the loser rapidly fades away. Sarah Palin lost, and most of us assumed she would go away.

She didn't.

In fact, she interpreted her resounding loss as a mandate that America wanted more of her—more folksy, third grade vernacular, more down home God-fearing hate speech. So what if she didn't read magazines or newspapers? She had no time for that liberal drivel when there's moose jerky out in the smoker that needs tendin'.

Since I'm a dude, I'll equate her actions to a sports analogy. Sarah Palin lost the game. During the game, she was flagged for numerous infractions, including eye gauging and spitting in the face of her opponent. After the game, she suggested that those who aren't fans of her opponent throw bottles and batteries next time they see the team who defeated her.

Oh, and just to make things easier for her fans, she passed out maps of where they'll play their next game.

Sarah, the polls don't lie. You lost an election two years ago, but you decided to hang around after the janitor had turned off the lights and everyone had gone home. America is tired of you, but you obviously don't understand this.

Since you are a bona fide American loser, please, follow the graceful lead of the Buffalo Bills, Michael Dukakis, Nancy Kerrigan and 2011 First Runner-Up, Miss Arkansas.

Go the hell away.

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