Thursday, March 3, 2011

Who can smoke more crack than two-and-a-half men?

Raise your mouse if you've had your fill of Charlie Sheen.

Yep. That's what I thought. Nothing voices the discontent of the masses like mice held aloft.

Most of us have seen at least a portion of his "Apocalypse Now" tour, and I've been as guilty as everyone else about slowing down and contributing to the traffic jam in order to get a good look at this human rollover accident.

He's so very delusional, claiming ownership of "tiger blood and an Adonis body." Chaz carries himself with the swagger of a world class party animal, physically and mentally superior to all. He claims an ability to ingest enough drugs to put Walgreen's out of business during one of their "all-you-can-pop" Sunday buffets.

I've been trying to decipher Sheen's motivation for conducting interviews ad nauseum to virtually anyone who'll give him air time. Maybe he's stating his case to carry the flag for Team USA in the next Drug Olympics in Bogata. He could compete in the crack smoking event, representing the seven-gram rock category, followed by the bong tokathon, where Willie Nelson competes as a seven-and-a-half hit favorite. A determined Nelson claimed he'd "be satisfied with nothing less than the Colombian Gold."

This past week, Charlie's no-regrets, party warrior manifestos collided with another scandal in the world of collegiate athletics. Brandon Davies, a starting forward for the third-ranked Brigham Young University basketball team, was dismissed for the remainder of the season for violating the Mormon school's honor code.

In a heartfelt apology to his teammates, Davies admitted to having had "premarital relations" with his girlfriend (I'm wondering how he was caught), and expressed extreme remorse for letting his teammates and school down.

Here is the BYU honor code as obtain from the university's website:

Be honest.
Live a chaste and virtuous life.
Obey the law and all campus policies.
Use clean language.
Respect others.
Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse.
Participate regularly in church services.
Observe the Dress and Grooming Standards.
Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the Honor Code.

Okay, when I was in college, I broke at least eight of those rules on a typical Wednesday night.

I understand that Mr. Davies and every other student who enters BYU are made fully aware of the code prior to signing up.

But this is a little nutty.

What sort of outlets are left for these young folks to blow off a little steam? Play a heated game of Risk? Role play with naked Ken and Barbie dolls? Split an entire half rack of Sprite Zero with your roomie?

I'm not privy to the culture in Provo, Utah, but these kids have got to have some underground resources at their disposal, or bad things are bound to happen. Living in America, this land of extremes, can't we find a middle ground between complete abstinence and blowing our brains out a la Chuck Sheen?

Yes, we can. It's called Canada.

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