That ain't right.

I can think of so many phrases, so many cliches, that cover this topic:

"This just doesn't add up." -Joe Wilcox, Algebra 4 teacher, Auburn High School, 1979.

"Something's rotten in Denmark." -anonymous Swedish tourist.

"What's up with that?" -Jerry Seinfeld, 1994.

I'm talking about things that throw us off; stuff that makes us say, "Hey, wait, that's odd and unsettling. I'm highly disturbed and confused."

A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I had the privilege of spending the night at a downtown Seattle hotel, thanks to a nice person's generosity...and a Groupon. We retired to the lounge for their complimentary happy hour, featuring wine, crackers, slightly stained furniture and a nice view of the courtyard.

As we chatted and sipped our Merlot-inspired beverages, I glanced out into the urban oasis outside the window; birds fluttered amid azaleas, pine trees, rhododendrons and...artificial turf.

Yes, artificial turf, the same stuff football players play on and hawk big NFL loogies on. My brain immediately shut off all stimuli and homed in on the synthetic carpet, laid out among nature's splendor. "Why would they do that?" I queried my inner Sierra club member. "Why would they go to all this trouble to create a quiet city refuge, only to gum up the works with plastic grass? This just doesn't seem right."

And that's when my monkey brain felt the need to take inventory...again.

I quickly created yet another docket of observations which just don't seem right, things that have thrown me off enough to acquire permanent residence in my addled, gray matter hard drive. So here you go:

Little kids wearing ties: I really hate seeing this. Every time I do, I just want to walk up to him and say, "Don't you just want to take that thing off?" Then I decide that's creepy, and walk away.

Old men named Todd: Some day this will happen, but until then, I'm highly comforted by the Warrens and Merls.

Beef nuggets from Dairy Queen: They tried this briefly back in the Eighties, but I think people voted with their gag reflexes.

Really big nectarines: Or really small hamburgers.

 Graffiti I can actually read: Makes me feel like my mom was present to correct spelling and grammar.

Guys standing with only one hand on their hip: Just...I don't know.

Palm trees in Seattle: I've seen this. It's like leaving your baby outside in the snow with one sock on.

Men who part their hair behind their heads: I'm talking to you, Trump.

Kids on leashes: Actually, you know what? This is okay.

People who wear small hats: I've never really seen this, but if I did, it would be awful.

So here's another open call to all you observant types. It doesn't take long to come up with a couple, especially after watching anything with Tom Cruise.

What throws you off?