Monday, May 9, 2011

Tired of chump moves.

My dad refers to such acts as "Bush League."

I've also heard them coined "sucker punches" or "cheap shots" or "low blows," but I'll go with my favorite term to describe those underhanded, mean-spirited, feats of cowardice:

Chump moves.

The sports world holds claim to the preponderance of chumps, and they can be traced virtually to the origin of competitive athletics. Using his sharpened, metal spikes to disable opposing players, Ty Cobb held legendary status as a dirty player.

Throughout the ensuing decades, the ranks of the Slimeball Hall of Fame grew in numbers, with Danny Ainge, Alex Rodriguez, Bill Romanowski and Karl Malone held aloft as kings of dirty pool shooting.

Roger Clemens, one of the dimmest athletes to ever throw a round thing ninety miles per hour, claimed to be tossing a baseball at Mike Piazza during a moment of confusion at the 2000 World Series. Clemens actually was hurling a splintered bat toward the mulleted Met's carotid artery.

Chumps, all.

Yesterday, Andrew Bynum of the Los Angeles Lakers etched his name among the best of the worst when he decided to imitate a low freeway overpass to JJ Barea's unsecured load. With the game and the playoff series already locked up for the Dallas Mavericks, Bynum concluded that the Mavs' tiny Barea wasn't limboing far enough under the Laker's meaty forearm and elbow. Barea slammed to the floor after appearing to reach the end of an invisible leash.

Immediately ejected, Mr. Bynum peeled off his jersey at half court and sauntered to the locker room amid a chorus of boos. I'm not sure why he felt the need to remove any clothing; In fact, I may have asked for a few towels to catch the snot oysters raining down from the Mavricks' fan base/mob.

Plus, taking off my shirt at work is no good for anyone.

No one likes these guys, even their own supporters.

I coach eleven-year-old girls soccer, and they play with fire and intensity. No longer at the age when the goalie makes mud pies with the fullbacks while the ball is down at the other end, these kids knock each other around.

They play clean. When someone is bumped to the ground, she's helped up and asked if she's okay. When the game's over, everyone high fives and goes back to discussing cats who throw up in sister's bedrooms or the possibilities of securing a Slurpee. No revenge, no hard feelings, no cheap shots.

When is sportsmanlike behavior jettisoned in favor of tantrums and acting out? High school? College? And make no mistake; chump moves aren't confined to the sporting arena.

Politicians proposing cuts to Medicare and Medicaid while simultaneously proposing tax breaks for oil companies: chump move.

The Soviet giant who killed Apollo Creed during a seemingly harmless exhibition: chump move.

People who decide, while sitting on a standing-room-only bus, to occupy the adjacent seat with half a box of Low Salt Wheat Thins and some fingerless gloves: chump move.

"Mission Accomplished": Bush League.

Microsoft claiming that Windows had nothing to do with the Macintosh desktop: chump move.

Using a riding lawn mower on a lawn the size of a Cheescake Factory plate: chump move, in a green sense.

Cats who kill lame baby birds: chump move.

Going for the Karate Kid's leg, which obviously has a bone sticking out of it: seriously chump move.

That's a few, but please share; what are some chump moves that boil your blood? It's fine if you want to talk about Danny Ainge a little more.

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