And while we're at it, let's throw in Buddha and Vishnu and Tom Cruise and anyone else who can provide a little home field advantage, because I'm afraid we need all the help we can get.
You see, a lot of us just aren't very bright.
You're still here? Cool, thank you. I was afraid you may become offended and click over to that hilarious chimp wedding site.
Look, I really don't want to come across as your stereotypical, Seattle-living, Birkenstock-and-gray-socks-wearing liberal who's blissfully ignorant that his sideburns and neck fuzz haven't been thatched since the organic barber stopped showing up at the farmer's market.
But I just may in this instance.
According to a Marist Poll released in honor of our nation's birthday, only fifty-eight percent of our country's residents were aware that America declared its independence on July 4, 1776. Twenty-six percent were unsure and sixteen percent named an incorrect date. In addition, one in four of those surveyed didn't know that country from which the United States seceded.
As appalling as these statistics are, and, mmm...boy, they are, they're certainly not shocking. Twenty-five percent of our voters support either Michele Bachmann (11%), Sara Palin (11%) or Rick Santorum (3%).
And since twenty-five percent also don't know which nation we smacked down to gain our freedom, I'd be willing to bet my gun rack that those folks are one in the same.
Bachmann stubbornly maintained that our founding fathers rallied against slavery. Umm, wrong again, Crazy Barbie with Titanium Hair®; most actually owned slaves.
Palin spun a delusional yarn about Paul Revere when she claimed that he was also warning the British that "uh, they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms..." I'll stop there, because it rambles. Wouldn't it be great to have a president who warns the enemy—
"Okay, I just want to let you guys and gals in North Korea know that we're gonna wee-wee you up a little next Thursday with a little limited nuclear strike. Take care now, folks, and back to Wipeout."
And then there's former Republican Senator and Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, who in 2003 said, "If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual (gay) sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything."
Sweet. Does that mean we can also bring back candy cigarettes and those dangerous lawn darts?
So what about the rest of the voting populace? I'm referring to those fifty-eight percent of us who actually know the date America sprung out of the British womb without the benefit of an epidural. Who do we support?
Although Gingrich only accounts for three percent, the guy isn't ignorant of American history. He may be quite repulsive and hypocritical, but at least he knows the difference between a musket and a muskrat.
Romney? I can't really tell how smart he is, since he's too busy twisting in the winds of public opinion to take a stand on historical and constitutional events. I'm guessing that behind that sultry baritone and glistening smile, crickets chirp.
Ron Paul is a smart man, but he wants to abolish the IRS, saw the United States off at its southern and northern borders (like Bugs Bunny actually did once) and let our new island continent float away in a state of isolationist Utopian nirvana.
Intelligent, yes, but also paranoid and insanish. And as a side note, I don't want another President named Ron.
I can't remember who comprises the remainder of the Republican candidates, but I think the list begins and ends with the word, "yada."
America, what do you say we study up a little before the next election? How about if we educate ourselves to know the difference between facts and the baseless ramblings of the lunatic fringe? Do you understand that these people actually believe they're qualified to be your President?
Remember, we've misunderestimated before.