Sunday, August 21, 2011

Slutty in Seattle.

Wow, who would've thought?

I've lived in Seattle for thirty years, and apparently, I've allowed myself to be lulled by the gray skies and melancholy masses as they shuffle along the sidewalks in sensible walking shoes and utilitarian hair styles.

We are super mac daddy freakazoids!

Seattle is, according to our own Post Intelligencer and this internet dating site, the second most promiscuous city in our fair land. Again, wow. 

Maybe all of that polar fleece is attached with an accessible Velcro strip in the back. Could ordering a "double tall with room" mean something a little different than what I'd always believed? Does REI actually stand for "Really Easy Intercourse?"

I've been married for a while, now, so, while I haven't been able to play my card of sluttiness, good luck to the rest of you, my neighbors. Whether you hook up in the Whole Foods organic Pop Tart section or the "How to teach your dog to compost" class, I tip my hat to you.

Here's the remainder of the list. I think you'll be a little surprised at how it shakes out:

1) Portland—Our fair hamlet to the south rules the promiscuity universe. I never had considered Portland a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, but five words come to mind—"Baby, leave your Birkenstocks on."

2) Seattle—I've already touched on my hometown. So to speak.

3) Pittsburgh—Another surprise, Pittsburgh never struck me as a free love type of place, residing in America's Rust Belt. I'd always considered foreplay in Pittsburgh to be similar to Dorothy lubing up the Tin Man.

4) Miami—So many having unsafe sex down there in Florida—no socks.

5) San Francisco—Okay, what's going on here with the west coast? It's like a constellation of naughty. I suppose if Seattle is the head, then Portland is the chest, San Francisco is the bathing suit area...and L.A. is some moppable substance left on the floor.

6) Dallas—Obviously, Debbie still lives there.

7) San Bernardino—Comforting to know, considering my sixteen-year-old daughter just returned from a week at basketball camp down there.

8) Denver—Hello! Dreamy man fox, John Elway, lives in Denver. Not a shock, by any means.

9) San Diego—I'd always thought "Chargers" signified horses, but actually it's a term for people who pair up in thirty minutes or less at the Coronado TGIFridays.

10) Houston—Houston is also the sixth fattest city. Maybe I should scrap this diet I've been on.

So next time you plan a vacation, instead of New York, Chicago, Boston or Philadelphia, rather than Minneapolis or Atlanta, consider Seattle. 

Someone's waiting for you, and they can't wait to get you onto their futon.

1 comment :

  1. I live in Kingston and had no idea the Pacific Northwest was known for the spreading of their communal legs. This cracked me up. I especially love the Debbie Does Dallas reference... Did you know they turned that into a musical, I know, but I actually saw it. Anyways. I dig your ramblings.