Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Sex Advice for All...Except the Gays.

A question for you: Is it acceptable to judge others' judgmental behavior?

Or am I asking you to judge my judgment of others' judgementalism?

I'm losing you, aren't I?

Anyway, a common subject of my writing is certain people's unflinching desires to hurl moral medicine balls into our lower abdomens when we're not looking.

Has this behavior always existed and I just didn't notice or has it gotten worse?

I think it's gotten worse.

Football players, prior to Tim Tebow, occasionally knelt or pointed to the sky, yet didn't make nearly the spectacle of themselves that this guy does. Feigning utter deference and  humility and bowing in prayer at the goal line, Tebow advances his agenda while sixty thousand fans and millions at home capture his "private" moment between him, his eighteen inch biceps and, oh, yeah, God.

Presidential contenders hadn't formerly based their candidacies on divine ordinance. Okay, I know George Bush claimed that God told him to seek office, but that could have been a strong cup of coffee and a dip of Copenhagen talking.

In this race, three challengers have competed to plant the Christian stanchion in the name of the Grand Old Party, which seems like an all-time record.

It's become a matter of branding, of associating oneself with a look and feel in the quest for financial and personal gain. And it so very American.

To cap off my treatise on the American Christian branding machine, I'd like to share the story of Mark Driscoll, founder of Seattle's Mars Hill Church, one of the fastest growing congregations in the Pacific Northwest. Mars Hill currently boasts nine campuses, with future plans for sites in Oregon, New Mexico and southern California.

It's members are predominately the young and hip, people you might see at the trendy sushi bar or shopping for Danish bar stools.

Pastor Driscoll, similar to this humble blogger, is a chubby, forty-something white guy who favors jeans and hooded sweatshirts. Driscoll's disarming charm and charisma betray the subject matter of his teachings, a Biblical form of Sharia which abhors homosexuality and women in church leadership positions.

He also claims that Yoga is evil. I tend to agree, especially planks.

Mr. Marky Mark contends that the Bible proscribes specific duties for man and woman, which, while considered equal in God's eyes, require the man to head the household and call all the shots.

Hers is to obey him and stay foxy, lest he stray.

And now, in an all-American attempt at good old fashioned cross-channel marketing, Ayatollah Driscoll has "co-written" with Mrs. Driscoll a book entitled, "Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together."

I haven't read the book, but it sounds like he's taken most of the guesswork out of what is and isn't okay when it comes to all things carnal. Finally, I can rest easy and won't have to worry about some bearded, thirty-three year old son of God watching my every move and waiting to throw the flag for illegal use of glands.

Thank you Mark Driscoll. In your ever-expanding pursuit of power and money in the name of religion, you've clarified some important points for me, the master of my domain.

If we ever meet, feel free open up to me about your mother issues and need for a large truck.

1 comment :

  1. What is it with the "conservatives" wanting to get into our bedrooms?