President Romney? Excuse Me While I Lose Full Muscle Control.

And then there were two.

Well, okay, actually four, but I think the only reason Newt is still around is for the free grub at those rural Utah diners.

I can just hear that old fuzzy Muppet now: "Good morning, North Ogden! Hey listen, I understand that I may be disqualified from the Utah primary ballot since my five hundred dollar check bounced, but gee whiz, this strawberry rhubarb pie sure is tasty. Hey Callista, are you gonna eat yours? I didn't think so. Slide it over, babe."

And of course, Ron Paul's not going anywhere. He's stayed the course with his message, asserting that our Constitution upholds his freedom to accumulate fewer delegates than Mitt Romney's great-great grandfather had wives.

So yeah, we're down to the big dogs now—our President and the aforementioned Willard "Mitt" Romney are about to step into the octagon. But I'm going to try something new this time when comparing these battle-tested candidates, since in the past, my writing's been laced with subtle hints of liberalism.

Oh hell, as my great uncle would say, it's downright commie horseshit.

I'm going to analyze the competitors based only upon the merits, solely on platforms which they've firmly established through years spent in realms both private and public. Let's begin.

Core beliefs on faith:

Barack Obama—while some stubbornly maintain that the President was born not of our nation and was raised Muslim under the radical tenets of an Indonesian madrassa, he is actually a Christian and a former member of the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago. He keeps his current church private for the safety of his wife and daughters.

Mitt Romney—while some, including the former Massachusetts governor, stubbornly maintain that his Mormon religion is a form of Christianity, others contend that Christianity's belief in heaven and hell contradicts the three levels of Jesus' kingdom which Mormonism proscribes.

Romney has chosen to go all-in on a belief in the celestial kingdom, the terrestrial kingdom and the telestial kingdom, a three-storied condo, hopefully with a car elevator.

Oh, yeah, and the whole Book of Mormon thing was supposedly transcribed by a former snake oil salesman turned prophet, who enjoyed smoking the weed. Lordy, if I had a nickel for every Book of Mormon my friends and I came up with during college...

Core economic beliefs:

Barack Obama—Dating back to his earliest days as a community organizer, President Obama has focused on empowering the poor, in providing resources to the least fortunate under the auspices that "a rising tide lifts all boats."

Mitt Romney—Dating back to his earliest days at Bain Capital, Romney has focused on consolidating wealth through purchasing corporations, gutting and outsourcing their workforces and selling them at a profit for maximum shareholder return.

His infamous proclamation, "Corporations are people, my friend," illustrates that in Mitt's opinion, "trickle down" means it's fine for a corporation to piss all over its employees.

Formative years and exposure to American society:

Barack Obama—Raised by his grandparents and single mother in lower middle-class households, Obama experienced the daily life lessons which exemplify the challenges and struggles of ninety-nine percent of America.

Mitt Romney—Raised as the youngest son of American Motors Company president George Romney who later was elected governor of Michigan, Mitt attended Cranbrook, a private preparatory school and formed early bonds with a privileged progeny of corporate moguls. He met his future wife Ann while she attended Kingswood, the sister school to Cranbrook.

The dossiers continue to paint portraits of disparate worldviews, like Romney's desire to repeal Roe vs. Wade and his reluctance to release his personal income tax returns, which Obama has revealed back to the year 2000.

Okay, and here's the last thing. Barack Obama is just a likeable man, the kind of guy I could sit with over a nice IPA and NFL playoff game. Okay, that's not fair. I suppose I could have a beer with Mitt Romney, no wait, a coffee, no wait, a nice glass of water, no wait, a Perrier.

Forget it.