Sheriff Joe, we need you.
Don't you want to feel wanted again? Isn't it time to thrust up those
chubby little hands and say, "Peace out, Arizona."
Look, you're being sued by the Justice Department for constitutional
violations, which, you know, seems like it would be one of those "Oh
Shit" moments. You're hated by everyone but a large handful of elderly
white-ish people who, let's face it, aren't getting any younger.
Nevertheless, you, sir are a patriot. But you're digging the heels of those
seven-and-a-half Red Wings so far into the desert sand, I'm afraid some
Chinese illegals try to sneak in through the hole.
You're misunderstood. The people have elected you to perform a task,
which is dealing a little peace by rounding up people who wouldn't
think twice about stabbing the ground with a shovel.
I can't believe all the hoopla over your "Equation":
Tinted windows = tinted skin x i'm comin in
Well here's your opportunity to stick that disrespectful quagmire in the rearview of your 2009 Crown Victoria.
Come to Bellingham, Washington, SheJo. Please.
You see...it's those Canadians...again. So many maple leafs have fluttered south, my blower has seized up.
And that's where you come in, because these maple leafs could use a little baggin.'
They assault the border twenty five miles north and clog the
roads and aisles, stocking up on cheap food and gas. Sure, they're nice
and it's kind of cute the way they say "Grade Four" instead of "Fourth
Grade," but there I am, just restocking my marshmallow vodka after a
crazy weekend on the jet ski, and I'm stuck in line behind more milk and
beef than a Romney family cookout.
Apparently, the store would like to grow, but a Bellingham ordinance
prohibits large box stores from expanding, so Costco is looking into
Until then, Sheriff, we've got a bunch of pissed off Americans up
here. Why not climb out of that disrespectful quagmire down there and
head north? You'll be welcomed like Douglas MacFreakinArthur.
Here's the pitch: We're requesting that you and your entourage
enforce "American Hours" at Costco.
The store would be open to American
citizens only between ten and six.
You'll be given carte blanche. If someone flips you any guff at the
door, you've got full authority to investigate that individual's
citizenship by any means necessary. Should you opt to employ your
signature "digital citizenship exam," I'm confidant your boys will know
the feel of a Canadian after a couple of weeks.
The illegals can be processed at a detention facility inspired by
your Maricopa County outdoor prisons, so if those Canadians want to
enjoy a cup of coffee or a Marlboro red, can you say, "T.F.B., eh?"
yeah, Sheriff, Joe. We'd really appreciate your help on this one. If we
lose our freedom to shop and be back home in time for Ellen, what's next?
Please help; the sooner the better. I need toner.
-A Concerned American and Gold Star Member Since 1990