Sunday, February 9, 2014

Not Much Going On Today? Oh, Think Again.

Today is one of those Sundays—one of those rare times when all the chores are done—the meals for the week are planned and the groceries are stacked in the larder.

Larder? Gross. Anyway, it's not another manic Sunday, that's for sure. No football to watch, no soccer to coach, even the Olympics don't really seem interesting yet.

Would you mind if I rapped a smidge of inspirational haiku for this fifty shades of grey day? Thanks, brothers and sisters:

My prostate is huge
Bigger than an infant's head
Jealous? Don't be, man

When I'm challenged to find a subject for one of my always-important posts, I like to reflect on events which transpired on this day in history. And while February the Ninth may not seem all that significant to you, it is to a lot of folks throughout the annals of time.

Plus, it allows opportunities to practice my one-liners.

On February 9, 1861, the Provisional Congress of the Confederate States of America elected Jefferson Davis as its president.

When you really think about it, the end result wasn't much different than when Peyton Manning was elected captain of the Broncos.

In 1895, the first college basketball game was played as the Minnesota State School of Agriculture defeated the Porkers of Hamline College, 9-3.

Wow, they must have been porkers with a score like that. I did a little research, and wouldn't you know the starting power forward was a portly sophomore named Brigham Limbaugh.

On this date in 1932, America entered the two-man bobsled competition for the first time at the Olympic Winter Games held at Lake Placid, New York.

Speaking of the Olympics, didn't the mayor of Sochi deny the existence of two-man bobsledders?

U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy, on February 9, 1950, charged that the State Department was riddled with Communists, ushering in the era of "McCarthyism."

At least we can thank the lord that Harry Truman occupied the oval office instead of some socialist who succeeded in jacking the top tax bracket to ninety percent. That was a Republican named Eisenhower.

On this day in 1971, the Apollo 14 spacecraft returned to Earth after America's third landing on the moon.

By the fourth excursion, even though still a technological marvel, we'd all grown a little weary of the whole moon thing, which came in third in the Nielsens behind McMillan and Wife and a really interesting tampon commercial.

And finally, on February 9, 1997, The Simpsons became the longest-running prime-time animated series, surpassing The Flintstones.

83-year-old Fred was pissed. He made a few calls, but changed his mind just before Bam Bam stopped by Moe's to offer Homer a little friendly persuasion. After discovering that Homer had nearly identical five o'clock shadow, Fred embraced their mutual Sicilian roots.

Plus, hey, it was February 9. He had to buy a birthday present for his good friend Joe Pesci, who turns 71 today.

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