Logic in the Time of COVID.

Who doesn't love a good conspiracy theory? I know I do.

Or did, anyway. The JFK assassination has to be one of the classics. It alone has more angles than a presidential comb-over: the CIA did it, the mob, LBJ— even Woody Harrelson's dad's been thrown into the mix.

Historically, conspiracy theories have covered the spectrum of deceit and collusion, from simple, self-serving schemes (Jim Morrison faked his death) to intricately-planned, elaborate capers encompassing the deepest corners of government and society (Lou Reed was killed by Lady Gaga).

There's Area 51, quirky and benign member of the Conspiracy All-Star Squad since the mid-20th Century. Or the Illuminati, with its ancient and über-secretive roster of influence, currently boasting such A-listers as Beyoncé, Jay Z, Madonna and Lindsay Lohan (Wait, how is Lohan still a member? Freaky Friday was her last good movie, and it was far before her Botox and Four Loko era.).

With the new millennium arose a docket of fresh, even more sinister theories. The 9-11 Truth movement claimed that the September 11 attacks were actually a controlled demolition orchestrated by the U.S. government, meant to incite war in the Middle East and seize control of the petroleum industry.

In short order, with the election of our first non-white president, came the "birther" movement, where a healthy smattering of Americans maintained that Barack Obama was born in Kenya. According to their purview, only a deviously well-oiled plot could secure his ascension to commander-in-chief, and that's precisely what went down.

Oh, and remember who really latched onto that one? A quick hint—his name rhymes with his daily activity between 2:00 and 2:17—that's right, a McDonalds Dump. Yeah, him. And he's taken the whole conspiracy playbook to a level not seen since Milli met Vanilli. The difference is, this time people are dying.

Why do we gravitate toward conspiracies? And how have some of us devolved into these people who view even the most basic truths through a lens of skepticism and distrust? Surely, a single man can't be responsible for this, right? Well, as the guy himself has been known to bark: "Wronnnng!"

In my opinion, the only way a leader can convince his followers to dispute science is to take a sharp right and go after the scientists themselves. If a mask of conspiracy can be strapped to Dr. Fauci's substantial, yet handsome, ears, then all bets are off. What if he truly is a Deep State operative who's been embedded to sabotage the president's chances for re-election?

That's exactly what's going on, according to Alex Jones, a cuddly right-wing conspiracy theorist and YouTube deity, who's also puked out that no one died at Sandy Hook and students who survived the Stoneman Douglas shooting were paid "crisis actors." Crisis actors? I wonder where that would fall on the pay scale in relation to porn acting. Bet some of the lucky ones do both porn and crises.

I just find it really arrogant for someone to claim that they and a few other enlightened souls have the goods, that all this overwhelming scientific evidence is bullshit and they're going to go ahead and opt for the opinion of the social media douchebag who talks like a pro wrestler. How miserable it must be to believe the stuff this guy's schtick, to wake up every morning convinced that faceless zombies in black SWAT gear could bust down the door at any moment.

Let's be real; have high-level conspiracies transpired throughout our history? Of course; look no further than Watergate, Iran Contra or Apollo 11 (Watch the movie Capricorn One and it'll all make sense).

This isn't one of them. We're all doing the best we can right now, and that includes our doctors, scientists, governors and mayors. It sucks when a plague becomes political.