Hurry up and read this.

In today's fast-paced world, sometimes we don't have time to delve into the story beyond the headline. We're constantly rushing off for that weekly mani/pedi appointment, that meeting with our attorney regarding the men's restroom misunderstanding, or to make sure the two-for-one special with lard-stuffed crust is still available.

We still thirst for the latest news, yet we can only digest the most concise synopses. And this is why I'm so thankful for publications like cnn.com and seattlep-i.com, two websites which are clued in to my rigid time constraints. Judging by yesterday's posts, all we need is a headline:

Sexually dangerous inmates can be held indefinitely, high court says.
Okay, I'm definitely not sharp enough to be a Supreme Court justice, but I think I could've made this call with a black robe and one brain cell.

Low-performing Bellevue school likely to be closed.
This makes no sense to me. Just think if we eliminated the worst baseball team, person and Halloween candy, respectively. We'd be saying goodbye to the Seattle Mariners, Rush Limbaugh and Twizzlers.

Car thief says stealing cars a better high then meth.
I suppose that's true if they have to choose between the two, but it seems like most of these guys like to have their car and snort it, too.

Army recalls 44,000 combat helmets.
Wouldn't this be enough of a reason for the war judge to declare a mis-war and send everyone home?

New Miss USA may lose her crown for stripper pole pictures.
We definitely wouldn't want to tarnish the pristine image of the Miss USA pageant, where the only difference between the swimsuit competition and pole dancing is the pole.

MIT's proposed jet could cut fuel use by seventy percent.
This sounds great, as long as that massive rubber band doesn't break.

Artificial insemination: Is it for you?
Definitely not. And I would call it more accidental than artificial.

See what I mean? All we need is a headline.