Setting the Record Straight About Seattle.

Seattle's been my home for around 40 years, and for most of that time, the town's flown under the national radar, nearly invisibly occupying its place in the upper left corner of the country. The place has always been the quiet kid in the back row who does well in science and dresses for the weather.

Throughout, the Emerald City's political sensibilities have leaned left, but it wasn't until the WTO shutdown of 1999 that Seattle catapulted itself into the "big league" of protest cities. When George Floyd was murdered in 2020, the Seattle demonstrations again drew worldwide attention, as Fox News portrayed the city as a flaming, dystopian hellhole, driven by a lawless mob intent on exterminating the police.

I do wonder sometimes what people who've never been here or haven't visited in a while, think Seattle is currently like. Do they believe it's nothing more than a weed-reeking nest of Marxist honkies who slow roast newborns on Webber pellet kettles in the Amazon employee picnic area while analyzing every vaccinated person's personal data as obtained from injected microchips?

Who knows? Maybe, which is why I'm here to answer your questions. Granted, I'm no expert, just a citizen of the Jet City intent on setting the story straight, but I've taken a deep dive into the mailbag and compiled your most asked queries:

Q: Is there a limit to the number of political and personal belief signs I can place in my front yard?

A: Yes, the limit is 36, but you can get around it by listing as many as 12 beliefs on a single sign. In stark contrast, you may have noticed that the other side prefers flags, with minimal or no words. Probably a good idea.

Q: Is it true that Seattle's radical leftist educators assault our children's minds with a non-stop barrage of critical race theory, LGBTQ+ lifestyle indoctrination and forced multiculturalism?

A: Okay, that's what you'd call a loaded question. It's like being asked if you've stopped spanking your cat, which presupposes the fact that you spank(ed) your cat. And while it's true that on occasion you've wanted to spank your cat with a confusing enthusiasm, you've never done such a thing, and therefore the question's basis is flawed. The same goes for the Seattle schools question. Love and acceptance are taught, as is history. Pretty simple, and not necessarily commie practices per se.

Oh, and before we move on, doesn't it seem like it would be difficult to spank a cat more than once? And chances are it would happen tail-up. No thanks.

Q: Is the Seattle freeze real?

A: Hell, yes, it is. And morning walkers in Seattle are a group of particularly cold-hearted assholes. For god's sake, I'm so careful about not getting any theatrical makeup on them during the hug.

Q: Why do you want to defund the police? Are you daft?

A: That's two questions, so I'll go in order. No one I know in these parts favors eliminating police. What's needed are supplemental, differently trained first responders. Police officers can then focus on honing skill sets that deal more effectively with their entire communities. As to the second question, yes, I have been daft for a preacher's fortnight. *

* Not a thing

Q: Is it true that there is one type of Seattle dog owner who is so annoying that this must be called out in your blog?

A: Great question! Yes, this is unfortunately true. The group consists of people who believe their dogs understand English language and sentence structure. The other day at Alki, here's what the woman on the left said to her dog as it yapped away at a passerby:

"Let's regulate. Take a couple of deep breaths, Meatballs."

Meatballs? If you're convinced your dog understands English, how insulting is it to name him/her/them Meatballs? Plus, have you ever seen a dog take a deep breath? Usually not a good sign.

Q: There's no debate that our city is facing some massive challenges, many with no solution in sight. With all that's going on in Seattle—the homelessness, the racial unrest, the crime, mountains of trash and endless blankets of graffiti on shuttered storefronts—is the city a lost cause?

A: I don't think so. But Seattle can't heal in a bubble. Until the rest of the nation addresses the same issues that Seattle struggles with—those originating in their own back yards—the Emerald City is in for a rough go.

I suppose for now, all we can do is regulate.

Santa Isn't Just White. I Have Proof.

“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change, you know? I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa—I just want the kids watching to know that.”

-Megyn Kelly, Fox News television host

Apparently, Ms. Kelly felt obligated to set the record straight. Her comment arose in response to a column for Slate last week by Aisha Harris, in which Harris wrote that she had always been confused as a child because the Santa in her home had brown skin like her, but the Santa in malls and on television was always white. 

If you've read my shtick before, you're probably expecting the same old formula, right? I post the ignorant quote, then spend the next three thousand characters lampooning it…

…which would be so very easy in this case, but no need to this time. A very special someone else has stepped up to ease the burden, and this someone packs some heavyweight caché.

I hung with Santa last night. I really did. That's not some euphemism to describe a random freeway rest stop encounter with a fat guy. I chatted with The Kris Kringle, legendary President and CEO of North Pole Air Freight. We always exchange a few pleasantries while my kids place their orders, something that has gone down every year since they were small enough to gum dust bunnies:

But last night was different. The moment my eyes met Saint Nick's, I could tell the chap was chapped. His cheeks weren't the usual cheery cherry, they were  more of a pissed off purple, much like the enduring facial tint of Tom Caughlin, New York Giants head coach.

Then I remembered—he was still feeling salty about Kelly's comment. The ignoramus had obviously gotten to him a little. Skipping the usual small talk, he reached into his fuzzy lapel, pulled out a note and thrust it in my direction. It smelled of mint and single malt. "I need you to share this with the world. I'm only going to say it once," he said. As my daughters propped themselves onto his lap, his mood changed instantly.

But I had a job to do, and by Dasher and Dancer, who can say no to the Godfather of Gastric Bypass? So here it is—Santa Claus' response to Megyn Kelly, word for word:

Dear Ms. Kelly:

Let me tell you, I don't watch your network, but since I assoicate with multitudes of pointy-eared goblins, many around me do. I think it was that dentist elf that brought your comments to my attention, and I felt the need to respond.

Usually I prefer to travel the high road. Do I take it personally when some kid thinks I'm Ted Bundy in tinsel?

Nah. Usually, they just want to get through the photo op fast so they can fill my ears with pleas for pink and purple plastic shit.

Here's what steams my humbow, Kelly—what gives you the right to label me as white? Does this look white to you?

Or this?

Remember, it's totally cool. Even my elves get a little separation anxiety while waiting on the roof.

I'm freaking Santa Claus. If I can manage to reverse burgle a billion houses in one night, why wouldn't I be able to change my ethnicity?  Let me tell you something, toots, nothing keeps a marriage fresh like turning into Spanish Santa after putting the reindeer to bed.

Oh, and as far as you're concerned, Fox News news fox, I could be Typhoid Leper Santa as long as you find your friends Dolcé and Gabanna under the tree in the morning. 

Why do you even care what color I am? What does it matter? Look at me now—Bam! Asian Santa:

And by the way, historical Jesus was about as white as a milk chocolate Toblerone.

Step off, Barbie.