Can I get something started for you?

"Good evening, sir. Welcome to Applebottom's. My name is Misti and I'll be your food and fun facilitator tonight."

"Well, hello, Miss Misti. Go ahead and call me Hank, or just keep calling me sir, because I am more than willing to be your knight in shining armor."

"Yes, well, Sir Hank, would you care to start out with something to drink? Perhaps one of our signature Applebotinis with a twist of cinnamon?"

"Darlin', I am already twisted enough. Mm mm. Why don't you just bring me an Amstel Light and sit your little Applebottom down right here next to Sir Hanky Panky."

"Sir, this is hardly appropriate behavior for a restaurant setting. Please contain yourself. Now, how about an appetizer? Maybe something like our Leaning Tower of Onion Rings. It's a four-star customer fave!"

"Misti, you bring me those onion rings and I'll provide the tower for a little ring toss, if you know what I mean, sweet cheeks."

"I'm not sure I do...but I'll take that as a yes. Have you decided on a main course? Our special tonight is sizzling beef fajitas, with your choice of flour or corn tortillas. Just look at this beautiful photograph of it on my specially laminated vest."

"Honey, I'm looking right through that beautiful vest of yours to a main course I'm much more interested in. Now, how about it, doll? Just back it on up over here and I'll definitely order up something!"

"Oh, Hank baby, here I come!"

"Wait a minute, you're not supposed to say that! Remember, this time you're supposed to be a clueless, but sweet, waitress, and I'm the boorish, obnoxious customer."

"I know, honey, but you're just so hot, I just couldn't hold back any longer. Maybe we should try the policewoman writing the speeding ticket for the confused foreigner or the Russian soldier barging in on the peasant girl."

"We've already done those, baby. Let's try the other idea we had. Okay, ready? Knock knock! Pizza delivery for the newly widowed socialite!"

"Do come in..."

We all know this guy

How often has this happened to you:

You're doing some yard work or washing your car. The guy a couple houses down is about to get into his car, but he notices you and shouts out, "Come on down and do mine when you're done. Heh, heh!"

I've decided that this type of faux-witty small talk occurs more often than we think. It's a form of communication where neither party is any better or worse afterward. No new information is conveyed, and it's usually a guy delivering it. It often concludes with a self-satisfied laugh, a "Heh, heh!" We rarely have the opportunity to say anything in return, since the guy usually walks away or gets into his car or yells out his window while driving by.

Here are some other examples:

1) The guy in the elevator at work—"Stayin' outa trouble? How goes the battle? What's the scuttlebutt in your department? I heard Marge is doinkin' Ray. You workin' hard or hardly workin? Heh, heh!"

2) The guy who walks up from behind you while you're talking to someone else—"Don't listen to this guy. He's a serial bullshitter. Heh, heh! Hey, man. What's up? Give me a buzz. Dont' be a stranger."

3) The weather complainer. This can happen almost anywhere—"Dude, what's with this weather? Is this Seattle or Fairbanks? You bring this with you when you left the house this morning? Heh, heh!"

4) The guy who approaches you and your wife. This could also happen anywhere—(Addressing your wife) "Hey, gorgeous. I see you brought your Dad. Heh, heh! Don't listen to this guy. He's wanted in four states for boring people to death. How you guys doing?"

Usually these guys are people you are acquainted with, but don't know very well. And after they've said their piece and disappeared, you look over at your friend or spouse and say, "He just talked to us for five minutes but didn't say anything." Sometimes we see them coming in time and can duck behind something or act busy.

Wow. I hope I'm not that guy.