Sunday, January 17, 2010

A man has his needs

Lately, I've been trying to pay better everything. I don't always listen to what my wife or kids or coworkers are saying to me, and I tend to not notice important details. Therefore, in an effort to hone my observation skills, I've begun studying my culture and environment, and I'm trying to pare down the goods and services which I feel we don't need.

I've compiled a list. It's actually a list of questions, with my suggested answers following behind. You may disagree, and that's fine. I hear you. So here we go.

Do we really need:
1) the chest bump?
2) leg warmers?
3) fat-free cheese?
4) shag carpet on our toilets?
5) pennies?
6) local news?
7) PowerPoint presentations, where the presenter just reads the handouts, which also match what's on the screen?
8) clowns?
9) earlobes?
10) another basket of chips?
11) televisions the size of bed sheets?
12) razors with four rows of blades?
13) Ryan Seacrest?
14) a weekend off before the Superbowl?
15) yellow Oreos®?

Here are the answers:
1) Yes, especially when I'm not wearing a shirt.
2) Only if 1982 Olivia Newton John is wearing them.
3) No. Seems like an oxymoron.
4) No, because I miss too much.
5) Not really. They just accumulate.
6) If someone told me that I could give up my pinky in exchange for the elimination of local news, I'd say, "Where's the meat cleaver?"
7) Absolutely not, unless you're suffering from insomnia. This is a fabulous non-pharmaceutical substitute for Lunestra.
8) No, we don't. In fact, it's time for some new legislation.
9) I'm not sure, but let's say yes.
10) Yes, please, and more salsa.
11) Yes.
12) No, but I like the ads showing the whisker snapping back and being cut off by the next row.
13) One word: hellno.
14) No way. Football withdrawal is very unpleasant.
15) Yes. Any Oreo is a good Oreo.

I'm sure there are many others, but my attention span has expired.

1 comment :

  1. Even though you may not have asked for them, here are my answers:
    2)Only when I can't find my Snuggie
    3)I've heard it has a shelf-life of 23 years (or maybe that was a Half-life)
    4)Of course. Everyone who knows anything about art or color or decorating knows that shag carpeting goes with everything (Frankly, your answer surprised me, seeing as you are a designer.)
    5)I don't really feel strongly one way or the other about pennies...I did hate those things they made us wear in P.E. --they were never washed and they smelled and felt terrible (okay, maybe those were pinnies--I'm not really sure...)
    6)Only if it's delivered with a strong New England accent where middle consonants are dropped, and if they are the letter "r", added onto the end of the word, "idea", and the woman's name, "Linda". (e.g.: "button" becomes "Buh-in", "idea" becomes "Idear", and "Linda" is "Linder".
    7)Absolutely not! I have suffered through countless numbers of these in staff meetings, hence my newly developed Tourrette Syndrome (which actually comes in handy now if someone tries to commit the aforementioned PowerPoint transgression.
    8)Clowns are scarier than the end of the movie, "Carrie", and the Aerosmith Rockin' Rollercoaster combined.
    10)Actually we always need another basket of chips--especially if they are Buffalo Bleu.
    11)My Lasic is wearing off, so I'm going to have to say yes to that one.
    12)That's just plain frightening.
    13)I don't know...who would you replace him with then?
    14)Only if there are cocktails served and lots of chips and guacamole.
    15)I agree wholeheartedly with this one.