Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fatherhood: One massive miscalculation

The following are the top ten reasons why it's much more difficult being a parent than I had previously anticipated:

10) Back in the mid-nineties, I wasn't aware how often my ponytail would be grabbed and pulled.

9) Sure, you can always breathe through your mouth when changing a diaper, but you soon realize that what would otherwise have traveled through your nose, is now traveling through your mouth.

8) It's difficult not to look at the studly prince in every Disney movie, and not say to your innocent little girl, "Honey, he's so perfect that he's either gay or a jerk. Come on, look at those flawless eyebrows."

7) Going to any park play area can become a well-choreographed dance with other parents around the play equipment. I've occasionally awkwardly touched other fathers as we've supported our dangling four-year-olds.

6) The term, "That's not fair," is a slope almost as slippery as the word, "Why?"

5) Performing Homeland Security background checks on babysitters can be costly. Thank God that the Patriot Act allows unprecedented information access.

4) I hadn't previously expected to toil over the choice between Ariel and Cinderella underwear for five-year-old girls at Target. Not a task a dad should perform alone.

3) I never knew that nearly every night, I'd doze off with at least three stuffed animals wedged under my lower back, directly below a massive Miley Cyrus poster, her freakishly white demon grin piercing my subconscious thoughts.

2) I hadn't anticipated burning with such intense white hot rage at the sight of a 30-year-old dude checking out my fifteen-year-old daughter. I'm just glad it didn't happen at a gun show.

1) My older daughter (the ponytail puller) graduates from high school in three years. I'm not ready.

I'll never be ready.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Being a father, like you, Tim, I decided to delete my last comment. Perhaps #12 could be something along the lines of "Always having to edit what you say and redact what you've said."

  3. Love the *trademark* Disney eyebrows!! Classic. And three years from now? Believe it or not? After you finish all the obvious crying and gnashing, etc.-you will love the unexpected feeling of FREEDOM that comes~~I can say what I want, do what I want...and best of all, embarrass the hell out of them any time I want too!! :) (But then, they can do the same!!)

  4. Everything you write is true, and none of it was in the manual.