Thursday, February 3, 2011

Resting up for Porn Sunday.

Welcome to the second and final chapter of my two-part series centered on Super Bowl week.

While 95 million viewers will belly up to the big screen for Sunday's big showdown, 40 million more of us will spoon against a smaller screen to watch... a little porno.

Apparently, a lot of us prefer the "Free-to-Lay" Woman to the Doritos Girl.

And therefore, I’d like to discuss a peripheral event which has been planned to coincide with Sunday’s big game and take advantage of a worldwide audience.” This happening has been dubbed, “Porn Sunday.”

I’m not making this up.

At first glance, you’re probably thinking, “You know, that’s a great idea. Why not a porn Sunday? It’s like suggesting that you try orange juice at dinner time, also.” I’d wager that, if I ranked all of the days of the week based upon how seriously I’ve considered watching a little skin action, Sunday would finish a distant seventh. You know, day of rest and all.

But Porn Sunday is not what you think; it isn’t a marketing ploy by the National Adult Film Industry Association to increase its popularity in America. On average, we dudes experience porn awareness every seven seconds, anyway.

There's no telethon hosted by Ron Jeremy, who dons a tight tuxedo with a flesh colored ribbon to honor the cause. No tears will be shed, because there won't be a special video tribute to John Holmes, backed by the inspirational refrain of “One Shining Moment.”

There will be no award-winning dialogue.

Porn Sunday is the brainchild of the XXXchurch of Las Vegas, Nevada. Its aim is to encourage churches across America, this Sunday, to vocally condemn pornography and its divisive stranglehold (maybe not the best word choice) on the American family. The XXXchurch has enlisted NFL quarterbacks Jon Kitna and Matt Hasselbeck as spokesmen for the cause, which will air this weekend.

Let me just acknowledge that the adult film industry is hardly a bastion of progressive thought and ethical behavior. It’s a medium rife with the exploitation and endangerment of women and their health.

It is also legal.

And with the Middle East on the cusp of self-immolation, with America’s youth fighting two wars and with our economy, infrastructure and educational system in shambles, can’t we place the eradication of porn a little further down the to-do list?

Why should we take the advice of a couple of professional jocks, anyway? What will they say?

“Hi, I’m Jon Kitna, and I’ve achieved success throwing a ball around because I’ve worked hard all my life. In other words, guys, I always keep both hands on the keyboard. Please, don’t surf porn, and if you do, delete your history. I mean, don’t surf porn.”

And won’t most of us be watching the pre-game, the the pre-pre-game and the pre-pre-pre game shows while these two are on some other channel suggesting that my wife duct tape my hiking boots over my hands before going shopping for the afternoon?

No, thanks, guys. I suppose I appreciate your concern for America’s demise into the abyss of pornography, but here’s one suggestion for each of you.

Before giving your sales pitches, get rid of those National Geographics under your mattresses.

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