Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Your 2011 Halloween Costume Guide.

You've probably already decided, now that the big event is single-digit days away, what you're going to be for Halloween. Oh, really? You haven't?

Well, certainly, if you've got kids, they probably nailed down back in August what or whom would possess their souls on the final day of October, but apparently, you're still weighing your options. Okay, no problem.

I'm not here to prescribe any rules; perish that thought. Life contains enough statutes and limitations as it is, and All Hallows Eve is all about breaking the rules and assuming an alter ego.

So that's why, if you're still experiencing ambivalence for all that is orange and black, I humbly offer this simple guide, kind of like how they show Lucky Charms with toast and orange juice as part of a balanced breakfast—it's nothing more than a serving suggestion. Hopefully you'll be able to root out a couple of truffles from my sloppy bog of ideas.

Let's get started, then, yes?

Recent pop culture and media figures are always fun. Even if a couple of other people at the party are dressed as your character, it's always a hoot to see alternative interpretations.

One person may show up as Qaddafi with three quarters of a head and someone else may sport half. Osama Bin Laden's left eye may dangle loosely and caress one party goer's neck, while another person may display nothing more than a gaping abyss where the SEAL's projectile saluted his cranium.

Naturally, you may opt to dress as a being who still occupies the world of the living. Consider dusting off that red Sarah Palin outfit from 2008, but gussy it up with a dab of powdered sugar under your nose to celebrate Ms. Palin's foray into the enticing charms of the coca plant back in college.

You may also choose to accessorize with a front pack for Baby Twig or Tarp or whatever his name is, but this time, rustle up a doll of caramel complexion to acknowledge that weekend Wasilla's crown princess of virtue spent at the Anchorage TraveLodge playing Around the World with African American basketball star, Glen Rice. Triple overtime is what I heard.

If time or money constrains you this Halloween, fear not. A few bucks and a trip to 7-11 on the way to the party are the only obstacles standing in your way of a great costume. For the price of a brown, plastic garbage bag and jar of Vaseline, nothing says "Awesome slug costume, dude," like  petroleum-jelly-slathered handshakes for all.

Finally, think about investing in makeup to replace those asphyxiating plastic masks. Temperatures can exceed one hundred seventy five degrees and the rubber band can cause permanent scalp damage, so take heed when strapping on the fake real housewife head. Plus, let's face it men, we love an excuse to wear makeup. Right? Yeah, me neither.

And speaking of stifling temperatures, do not bundle your child too warmly beneath his or her costume. Those Rite Aid ninja suits hold in heat like a rock salted tri tip roast, and your child will sweat like Steve Balmer if forced to wear a fleece Northface underneath. Always remember—those little rugrats burn hot.

I really hope this primer will help direct you toward the most fun, most comfortable, most poignant Halloween costume to date. And if you still can't come up with something, just dress in normal clothes and walk around with an eleven-year-old who is going trick-or-treating for the last time...

...that is, if you feel like going as me.

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