Should Palin Debate Obama? You Betcha.

Snubbed.

We've all experienced it. During our time on this big blue marble, we've suffered the blows of being rebuffed and rebuked, rejected and repelled.

We've been told to sod off, to take a long walk off a short pier, to shut up, pipe down and go away.

And it sucks. It sucks to be dismissed and devalued, because it doesn't take long before we begin believing those who marginalize us. Yeah, maybe my true station in life is perched right on the knobby area of society's cold shoulder; perhaps it's time to stop running this fool's errand of contrived self esteem.

Okay, maybe I'm a little sensie-poo regarding this topic, because, as I've mentioned at least eighty times, I was a fat kid.

Young boys, when playing young boy games, tend to place a premium on athletic ability and a discount on wit and intellect. The slow, small and corpulent are the chaff of the playground; they're the club who familiarly stand elbow to elbow along a chalky line of shame after all the others have been drafted ahead of them for the recess soccer game.

"Go ahead. You can have the rest of them," one captain would often announce to his counterpart as we remainders silently lamented our status. I vividly recall feeling like one of the sinners in the "Left Behind" series, only the reason I stayed on Earth was God's inability to heft a body mass index of thirty-five or above into his infinite bosom.

Rejection assumes a confusing tint when we're not sure why we've been snubbed. During college, I wondered why girls sometimes didn't want to dance with me. Come on, all I was requesting was a three minute conference between her, Spandau Ballet and me.

"Oh, sorry, I need to find my friend," was the most common smackdown, but occasionally I'd get, "Oh my God. Dinner's almost over back at the sorority and I've got bathroom duty this week and I've got to get back in time to hold hair. Sorry!"

And now it's time for my carefully-orchestrated, totally lame segue, combining clueless sorority behavior with bald-faced rejection.

I couldn't help but feel for our old friend, Sarah Palin, this past week, when, in a nearly six-hundred-word diatribe posted to her Facebook page, Palin challenged President Obama to a debate "anywhere, anytime"  to discuss "the issues Americans are actually concerned about," including "an anti-drilling agenda that rejects good paying energy sector jobs and makes us more dependent on dangerous foreign regimes."

Shouldn't this woman, who came within a mere three-and-a-quarter-million votes and a frozen Hades of the vice presidency, be allowed one little debate with our commander-in-chief just to settle the score?

After all, Mrs. Palin humbly requested an opportunity to address the nation on election night, only to be rebuffed in favor of a concession speech delivered by the man whom she carried for all those months, John McCain.

Gracefully bowing out of the political arena to crop dust the field of punditry with her blistering world view, she selflessly extended her reach to a knowledge-thirsty demographic—the reality television audience.

Despite Palin's heroic efforts to team with reality royalty Kate Gosselin, her show was canceled after just one riveting season.

America just wasn't ready.

Now, after all she's been through—the impossible-to-pronounce teleprompter words, the School House Rock Constitutional Crash Course, the endless green room waits while hounded endlessly by Todd and Twig or Twine or whatever that kid's name is—doesn't Sarah Palin deserve an opportunity to spar with the very man she chose not to defeat this November?

Nah.

Your 2011 Halloween Costume Guide.

You've probably already decided, now that the big event is single-digit days away, what you're going to be for Halloween. Oh, really? You haven't?

Well, certainly, if you've got kids, they probably nailed down back in August what or whom would possess their souls on the final day of October, but apparently, you're still weighing your options. Okay, no problem.

I'm not here to prescribe any rules; perish that thought. Life contains enough statutes and limitations as it is, and All Hallows Eve is all about breaking the rules and assuming an alter ego.

So that's why, if you're still experiencing ambivalence for all that is orange and black, I humbly offer this simple guide, kind of like how they show Lucky Charms with toast and orange juice as part of a balanced breakfast—it's nothing more than a serving suggestion. Hopefully you'll be able to root out a couple of truffles from my sloppy bog of ideas.

Let's get started, then, yes?

Recent pop culture and media figures are always fun. Even if a couple of other people at the party are dressed as your character, it's always a hoot to see alternative interpretations.

One person may show up as Qaddafi with three quarters of a head and someone else may sport half. Osama Bin Laden's left eye may dangle loosely and caress one party goer's neck, while another person may display nothing more than a gaping abyss where the SEAL's projectile saluted his cranium.

Naturally, you may opt to dress as a being who still occupies the world of the living. Consider dusting off that red Sarah Palin outfit from 2008, but gussy it up with a dab of powdered sugar under your nose to celebrate Ms. Palin's foray into the enticing charms of the coca plant back in college.

You may also choose to accessorize with a front pack for Baby Twig or Tarp or whatever his name is, but this time, rustle up a doll of caramel complexion to acknowledge that weekend Wasilla's crown princess of virtue spent at the Anchorage TraveLodge playing Around the World with African American basketball star, Glen Rice. Triple overtime is what I heard.

If time or money constrains you this Halloween, fear not. A few bucks and a trip to 7-11 on the way to the party are the only obstacles standing in your way of a great costume. For the price of a brown, plastic garbage bag and jar of Vaseline, nothing says "Awesome slug costume, dude," like  petroleum-jelly-slathered handshakes for all.

Finally, think about investing in makeup to replace those asphyxiating plastic masks. Temperatures can exceed one hundred seventy five degrees and the rubber band can cause permanent scalp damage, so take heed when strapping on the fake real housewife head. Plus, let's face it men, we love an excuse to wear makeup. Right? Yeah, me neither.

And speaking of stifling temperatures, do not bundle your child too warmly beneath his or her costume. Those Rite Aid ninja suits hold in heat like a rock salted tri tip roast, and your child will sweat like Steve Balmer if forced to wear a fleece Northface underneath. Always remember—those little rugrats burn hot.

I really hope this primer will help direct you toward the most fun, most comfortable, most poignant Halloween costume to date. And if you still can't come up with something, just dress in normal clothes and walk around with an eleven-year-old who is going trick-or-treating for the last time...

...that is, if you feel like going as me.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Palin. You've failed your test.

Since the glow still hasn't ebbed from my daughter's cheeks since passing her driver's test on Tuesday, I've been pondering the preponderance of exams in our culture.

Tests are a huge part of life. My children test me, I test my wife, and, since she often describes me as a testee, she must apparently test me, as well.

Ever since the great George W. Bush left in his chunky wake the unfunded mandate known as "No Child Left Behind," our kids must spend hundreds of hours preparing for and taking standardized exams in order to graduate from high school.

I learned back in college that nearly every profession contains barriers to entry, to keep the riffraff out, and more importantly, to create scarcity and higher earning potential.

For example, even though I earned a Bachelors Degree in Business Administration, I still sat through a three-day CPA examination. Attorneys must complete the LSAT before acceptance to their law schools, and then pass state bar exams to practice law.

And I won't even venture to guess the amount of obstacles a human being must overcome to place the title, "MD," after his or her John or Joan Hancock.

So, here's my question: Why aren't society's decision makers, those whose yeas and nays determine our futures, required to pass even rudimentary exams to be qualified for their profession? I could just hear Donald Trump saying, "The younga, the betta," when asked to recite the minimum voting age.

How do you think our presidential candidates might fare if given the same test administered every year to thousands of hopeful new United States citizens? I'm going to go ahead and say, "Not well."

And I realize this is low-hanging fruit, but what if Sarah Palin where asked some of the typical questions given on the U.S. Naturalization Exam? Let's listen in, shall we?

Question #1: What did the Emancipation Proclamation accomplish?

Candidate Palin: Well, golly, it was one of our country's darkest hours. I'm not sure of the date, but making emancipation legal was the onramp to Hell's interstate. Thank the Lord Todd and I were able to steer Bristol clear of any services provided by Planned Parenthood, such as birth control or, God, forbid, emancipation! Now I've got one, or, depending on who you believe, two grand babies to show for it!

Answer to Question #1: The Emancipation Proclamation outlawed slavery and actually freed many slaves.

Question #2: Who helped the pilgrims when they first arrived on our shores?

Candidate Palin: I don't know, but it was probably the same type of administration that allows millions of gardeners, including mine, to pass over our borders illegally.

Answer to Question #2: Native Americans helped the pilgrims.

Question #3: What do the stripes on the flag mean?

Candidate Palin: Oh, gosh, I don't know, but I really wish Betsy Ross hadn't designed that gull durn thing with stripes. Any time I stand in front of it, it clashes with most Chanel prints I happen to be wearin'. 

Answer to Question #3: The stripes represent the original thirteen states.

Question #4: What are the three branches of the federal government?

Candidate Palin: Okay I've gotcha on this one! I've been studyin'. They are as follows: the judicious, the vegetative and the executory. Come on, now. Challenge me!

Answer to Question #4: The three branches of the federal government are the judiciary, legislative and executive.

Question #5: What is the name of the Presidential residence?

Candidate Palin: Umm...duh...that would be the White House. But it's not exactly very white right now, if you know what I mean (she's winking).

Answer to Question #5: The White House is the Presidential residence.

Question #6: Who would assume Presidential duties if the President and Vice President were to die?

Candidate Palin: Okay, I'm just going to throw this out there, but I think it would be our previous President, George W. Bush. Todd always keeps his old bathrobe around in case something happens to his new one, so I would think Presidents would be handled the bathrobe way. Next question!

Answer to Question #6: The Speaker of the House would assume Presidential duties.

Now that I've gone through this exercise, I truly believe it makes sense to test these polished, orange-skinned, out-of-touch trust fund kids who call themselves public servants.

Who's with me?

Ten reasons why I've decided to join the Tea Party

10) Our country is filled with too many educated people already. We don't need our tax dollars paying for more kids getting their heads filled with complicated words I can't understand. I'm also tired of replacing those red rubber recess balls that get kicked onto the roof.

9) America's infrastructure is fine. The roads are in great condition, and my Hummer doesn't know the difference between a pothole and a poodle.

8) I love going to the Tea Party rallies. After looking around me, I feel really thin—even when I wear my fanny pack.

7) The government needs to stay away from our businesses, our guns and our homes... except if someone is gay. In that case, we need to make sure nothing perverted or anti-Christian is going on in there. I'll volunteer to go check things out.

6) I'm tired of eating six-dollar burritos, made by illegal aliens. I want to eat fifteen-dollar burritos, assembled by real Americans.

5) America needs true patriots now more than it ever has during the five thousand years since God created America and plunked Adam and Eve down somewhere in western Pennsylvania.

4) I want to ride Sarah Palin all the way to the White House. I didn't mean it that way.

3) I finally understand what socialism is. It's where the government redistributes my hard-earned wages to slackers like my grandma. And let me tell you, it turns my stomach.

2) I refuse to support a President who wasn't born on American soil. He was born in Hawaii.

1) I'm white, my position of privilege feels threatened, and I need someone to blame.

Ten reasons why I love Sarah Palin

The top ten reasons I'm thankful that Sarah Palin has chosen to remain in the media spotlight:

1) It's nice that she can now spend more time in the lower 48, close enough that most of us can take in the enchanting aroma of her Love's Baby Soft.

2) Her folksy tone helps my cat's constipation.

3) I appreciate having more opportunities to listen to her speaking, since I still can't decide whether her husband's name is Todd or Tad.

4) Not being governor of Alaska frees up time for her to meet with the President of Africa, or to maybe take in a NASCAR race in Alabama or some other part of South America.

5) I've invested a ton of money in a one-syllable-word company, and she's driving the stock price sky high.

6) I almost laughed so hard that I choked on my mouth dam when my dentist barked out, "Drill, baby, drill." So cute and so fun.

7) It's great to see her try her hand at stand-up comedy on Fox News.

8) I simply cannot wait to hear what inanimate object the next male baby of her family is named after. It could be Truck or Tree or Tire or Tool...

9) It's invigorating to hear her expound on her no-nonsense, conservative positions, such as "Who needs New Mexico when the old one ain't broke."

10) At the rate she's going, her opponent in the 2012 presidential race could be the rotting carcass of something she shot from a helicopter, and she'd still lose in a landslide.