Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Carolina Needs Gay Marriage Like the Taliban Needs Speedos.

Welcome to the club, Tar Heel State.

Congratulations to the newest member of the Dinosaur Coalition, North Carolina, which joined twenty-nine other states in approving a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage.

While they were at it, they may as well have voted on bringing back the VCR, Pepsi Clear and Dairy Queen Beef Nuggets, since these folks are apparently still residing in an era where even the family basset hound wore a mulleted perm.

The origin of the name "tar heel" is unknown, but one theory holds that it's a moniker given to Civil-War-Era Confederate troops who stuck to their ranks like they had "tar on their heels."

Sounds accurate. The amendment passed resoundingly, securing sixty-one percent of the vote.

I'd like to break this down a bit, so please bear with me. Proponents of this measure claim that our nation was built on Judeo-Christian principles, that, while our forefathers penned the Declaration of Independence and Constitution, each document was inspired by a God himself. Apparently, he used one of the really early versions of PowerPoint to convince a skeptical Thomas Jefferson.

They contend, therefore, that since the Bible dictates the bond of marriage to exist exclusively between one man and one woman, so should proscribe the law of our land.

Okay, whatever. Let's cut to the chase. This stance on same-sex marriage has nothing to do with Christianity or the Bible. If our elected officials truly believed in an "All Jesus, all the time" philosophy, they'd devote themselves completely to heeling the sick, feeding the poor and in between, hanging out with a prostitute or two.

Okay, is it turns out, they're nice and biblical on one of the three.

While it may seem like it, this isn't about two dudes or chicks raising a child who'd rather visit Copenhagen than stick it between his cheek and gum, a kid who's been infused with so much gay from his parents that his genetic makeup can be used as a nice foundation prior to applying the bronzer.

It doesn't concern the ethical high ground which can only be achieved via male/female matrimony. After all it's not like one of North Carolina's most renowned married heterosexuals didn't visit a little damage on his cancer-stricken wife and kids.

And finally, this fight isn't about opening the door to "abominations," like state-sanctioned polygamist or bestial bonds. If that were the case, at least eight of that sixty-one percent in Carolina would have favored experiencing the musky, yet legal, delights of the barnyard.

This is about power, and it's about control.

Egalitarian marriages are mortal threats to the American patriarchy, which struggles to maintain its grip. Just as emancipation freed slave from master, just as suffrage elevated women from property to person, same-sex marriage liberates another eleven percent of the population from its oppressor.

Make no mistake; this train isn't stopping. The tracks have been laid out all the way to the coast on what is truly the last civil rights frontier.

This will happen. And when it does, some may pull out the Sharpie and mark out another box on the end of days checklist, while others will embrace marriage equality as the last act to ultimately align the nation's laws with a framework established nearly two-and-a-half centuries ago.

Only then will the Civil War truly end.

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