Creamsicles and Copperfield.

Hi! Holy Crocs-in-the-mud, it sure has been a while, eh?

For me, writing is one of those deals that, when things are rolling, when I've got lots of ideas, can be very, very, very, very fun. Yet for every muse that whispers fragrant gifts of inspiration, a lazy Lucifer lurks. He taunts me with Netflix series, reality shows and naps, and it is under this douchebag demon's spell I have been moldering these past thirty-eight days. This must stop.

So let's review—how much do you remember about what's gone down in the last month-and-a-half? Actually, don't worry about it, because I looked it up, and let's just say that fortunately it's closer to the Bellagio buffet than Roy's Chuckwagon. So, just to refresh your memory:

On June 6, two inmates at Clinton Correctional Facility in upstate New York David Copperfielded their way out of the maximum security facility and stayed on the lam for over three weeks. One of them ended up with a tap-tap to the temple while the other was shot twice in the torso, survived and was recently remanded to Supermax to spend 23 hours a day in a box for the remainder of his life.

Meanwhile, Andrew Cuomo's casting call/cocktail parties continued every Thursday evening in the governor's mansion. Whomever is going to play Cuomo in the ABC Monday Night Movie of the Week is still too close to call, but so far, Alan Thicke leads after killing it in his press conference monologue. Hasselhoff, desperate and trying to show his chops by summoning tears, blew it in Cuomo's stern eyes. You could tell the gov's frowny grin that The Hof had blown it.

Remember the Rachel Dolezal affair? Spokane's NAACP leader was outed (by her own parents!) as being whiter than my brother's calves. I'm not going to judge this woman. I don't doubt what she says is true—that the situation is complex. But inevitably my mind strayed. Every time they showed those split-screen before/after photos, delicious Creamsicles hijacked my consciousness.

On the political front since June 3, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Rick Perry and Donald Trump have lobbed their greazy top hats onto the rug of presidential candidacy, joining an already crowded field. I'll save the jokes for later posts—so many possibilities—but I did hear that Christie is still undecided. He actually showed up thinking he was in the line for maple bars.

Seriously, let's face it, good or bad, we can't have a president who wears his pants like Homer J. Simpson.

But shit got real on June 26. In a 6-3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court proclaimed same-sex marriage legally enforceable in all fifty states and Florida. Amazing, isn't it? Especially for this fiftysomethinger who grew up in an era when the other F-word was tossed around with the frequency and ease of a Nerf football.

Oh, yeah, and chalk up another "W" for the good guys during June. In another 6-3 vote, the black-robed priests of the Temples of Syrinx upheld the Affordable Care Act, ensuring health insurance for ten million newly-insured Americans.

For all the messed up stuff that happens in this nation—the shootings, the religious and political polarization, it feels like together, we still seek a more enlightened society, which is heartening.

Next stop: fracking. Hopefully, we're able to become fully enlightened prior to becoming fully submerged.

Carolina Needs Gay Marriage Like the Taliban Needs Speedos.

Welcome to the club, Tar Heel State.

Congratulations to the newest member of the Dinosaur Coalition, North Carolina, which joined twenty-nine other states in approving a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage.

While they were at it, they may as well have voted on bringing back the VCR, Pepsi Clear and Dairy Queen Beef Nuggets, since these folks are apparently still residing in an era where even the family basset hound wore a mulleted perm.

The origin of the name "tar heel" is unknown, but one theory holds that it's a moniker given to Civil-War-Era Confederate troops who stuck to their ranks like they had "tar on their heels."

Sounds accurate. The amendment passed resoundingly, securing sixty-one percent of the vote.

I'd like to break this down a bit, so please bear with me. Proponents of this measure claim that our nation was built on Judeo-Christian principles, that, while our forefathers penned the Declaration of Independence and Constitution, each document was inspired by a God himself. Apparently, he used one of the really early versions of PowerPoint to convince a skeptical Thomas Jefferson.

They contend, therefore, that since the Bible dictates the bond of marriage to exist exclusively between one man and one woman, so should proscribe the law of our land.

Okay, whatever. Let's cut to the chase. This stance on same-sex marriage has nothing to do with Christianity or the Bible. If our elected officials truly believed in an "All Jesus, all the time" philosophy, they'd devote themselves completely to heeling the sick, feeding the poor and in between, hanging out with a prostitute or two.

Okay, is it turns out, they're nice and biblical on one of the three.

While it may seem like it, this isn't about two dudes or chicks raising a child who'd rather visit Copenhagen than stick it between his cheek and gum, a kid who's been infused with so much gay from his parents that his genetic makeup can be used as a nice foundation prior to applying the bronzer.

It doesn't concern the ethical high ground which can only be achieved via male/female matrimony. After all it's not like one of North Carolina's most renowned married heterosexuals didn't visit a little damage on his cancer-stricken wife and kids.

And finally, this fight isn't about opening the door to "abominations," like state-sanctioned polygamist or bestial bonds. If that were the case, at least eight of that sixty-one percent in Carolina would have favored experiencing the musky, yet legal, delights of the barnyard.

This is about power, and it's about control.

Egalitarian marriages are mortal threats to the American patriarchy, which struggles to maintain its grip. Just as emancipation freed slave from master, just as suffrage elevated women from property to person, same-sex marriage liberates another eleven percent of the population from its oppressor.

Make no mistake; this train isn't stopping. The tracks have been laid out all the way to the coast on what is truly the last civil rights frontier.

This will happen. And when it does, some may pull out the Sharpie and mark out another box on the end of days checklist, while others will embrace marriage equality as the last act to ultimately align the nation's laws with a framework established nearly two-and-a-half centuries ago.

Only then will the Civil War truly end.

Freeze! Morality Police! Now Spread ’Em!

These guys are killing me.

I remember thinking, during the darkest hours of the W. Bush administration, "There's no way things can get any worse. There's not a chance that we'll ever again experience such a perfect storm of hubris, ignorance and stupidity.

And while we are no longer subject to a president who purportedly received his marching orders from JC, we definitely haven't emerged from the wilderness of Bonehead National Park.

I enjoy writing my Saturday posts because they usually pertain to lighter subjects, like anniversaries of historical events, birthdays or general public interest stories. But this morning as I perused my local paper, I was summarily bludgeoned across the face with a double whammy from the idiot sausage.

In back-to-back headlines, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee lambasted Natlie Portman for glamorizing the idea of out-of-wedlock children. Not to be outdone, the burnt-ember faced Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, John Boehner, has threatened to defend a federal ban on gay marriage in court, after Attorney General Eric Holder declared the ban unconstitutional.

Above is a nice photo of the Huckabee family, taken while Mr. Mike was still governor. Such a handsome assembly could only have been conceived under the auspices of wedded bliss. Oh, by the way, Huckabee boys, Bed, Bath and Beyond called and they want their bunk bed sheets back.

Okay, that was a cheap shot. I'm obviously jealous that I never had the opportunity to pose for a family portrait with the Arkansas executive mansion in the background and a hearty Sunday buffet just around the corner.

Who is this man to judge Natalie Portman's decisions? He claims that she "glamorizes" out-of-wedlock child bearing, but I have yet to see any TV spots featuring Ms. Portman, where she proclaims, "Hi, girls. I'm Natalie Portman. I  now you're only sixteen, but kudos for hooking up with that hot senior guy. You're going to love being a single mom, and really, you aren't a single mom. Your mom will need to help out a lot, too! Out-of-wedlock births: for a night, for a lifetime."

For some reason, these conservative talking heads, like Huckabee and Boehner, believe that if it weren't for their steadfast defense of "traditional values," our entire culture would evolve into a huge, Caligula-style orgy.

I wish.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my male work friends married his longtime partner. It wasn't some bacchanalian festival of perversion, it was a wedding, with a reception and everything. Of course, they won't have the rights of heterosexual married couples, especially if Mr. Speaker has any say in the matter, and it's interesting how Boehner chooses to inject himself into all of this.

Maybe he subscribes to the opinions of Ken Hutcherson, pastor of the Antioch Bible Church, a massive full service operation here in the Seattle area, who has been at the forefront of gay discrimination legislation. During an interview a few years ago on one of Seattle's conservative talk radio stations,  I listened as Reverend Hutcherson shared his belief that if our society were to allow same sex marriage, it would instantly throw open a Pandora's box of deviant couplings, such as polygamy or bestiality. By the looks of the above photograph, such practices are already legal in Arkansas.

Okay, sorry. Not cool.

Can't these people attempt to focus  on the issues which actually threaten America, like jobs, infrastructure, a new energy policy and a long term plan for the two wars we're waging? The Republicans claimed to have received an electoral mandate with their sweeping victory during the fall of 2010, so it's time to put up or shut up.

For a group of people who ostensibly despise government excess and intrusion, they seem concerned exclusively with projecting their personal social values onto others, while ignoring everything else.

Like my mom used to say, "Go out and do something productive."