Why Obama Won the Debate.

I'm obviously in the minority, here.

Apparently, I can be counted among those groups whose memberships are painfully small:

Those who feel O.J. didn't do it.

People who decided that it was finally safe to open the sliding glass door and let the raccoons meet the kittens.

Parents who choose a daycare based on the size of the trampoline and love the teacher/student ratios provided by the halfway house next door.

You see, I believe Barack Obama won last night's debate. In fact, I didn't even think it was that close.

It's hardly a secret that I'm all in for this guy. I'd still vote for him if he'd walked onto the stage and become Barack Madonna greeting Mittany Spears with a one-tongue salute.

Frankly, I was taken aback by the overwhelming sentiment against the president's performance:

Score One For Romney—CNN.com

Debate Praise for Romney as Obama Is Faulted as Flat—New York Times

Presidential Race Reset, GOP and Some Democrats Say—Washington Post

Romney Obliterates Muslim Antichrist, Says He's Happy to Take the Job Off Jesus' Plate*—Fox News
*Among headlines considered but not chosen

I must have been in the bathroom when Romney walked into the party and passed around Kool-Aid beer bongs, because I just didn't spot a sizable advantage. My daughters and I agreed that, while far calmer than his challenger, the president stated his case using facts rather than platitudes.

In addition, we broke the contest into the following categories:

Appearance—In a nutshell, we felt that Romney looked like hell. His eyes were bloodshot and his lips cracked and dry. I'm not sure what looked worse, last night's pallor or the freakish facial dye job Mitt donned for an interview on Univision two weeks ago to appear simpatico with Latino voters.

President Obama looked more relaxed, yet with a considerably heavier dusting of gray than during his 2008 campaign. I'm thinking a lot of that may have transpired during that whole Bin Laden reality TV episode in the Situation Room.

Delivery—We surmised that Governor Romney may have received a special church dispensation and guzzled seven cups of Folger's Crystals prior to the debate; the guy was geeked up. Hopefully, the Secret Service had a nice stash of Handi Wipes to pass the president immediately afterward to squeegee his opponent's caviar-laced spittle from his face and neck.

Mitt interrupted and spoke over moderator Jim Lehrer so frequently, I thought Lehrer might cut his mike, walk up and punch Romney in the hair.

Message—This is the most disturbing reason why I'm stunned that so many believed Romney excelled last night. He provided no solutions for our foundering economy, other than lowering tax rates and eliminating deductions. How much lower and which deductions? Too complicated. You wouldn't understand.

He hates Obamacare, that's loud and clear, but what's his alternative? Romney's already stated that we've got a system in place for the uninsured, and that's provided by America's emergency rooms.

According to Romney, parents should be free to send their children to the best schools, not the ghetto schools that contain all the lazy teachers. Come on, folks. If you live in a bad neighborhood, just move to a good one. For Pete's sake, why must he spell everything out for you people?

It's true that President Obama didn't display the stress-induced energy that Mitt poured onto the stage like a sack of Jello. He also didn't capitalize in Romney's innumerable gaffes: the forty-seven percent comment, the flip-flops on women's and gay rights.

So, Mr. President, you've got two more chances. Please finish this bonehead off. As Mrs. Romney said, "Stop it. This is hard."