One Man's Opinion About Syria.

This one's a tough one. I normally stand united with the cause. 

I typically lean so far to the left that my portside palm scrapes the asphalt, embedding it with tiny rocks like meat and pebble cookie dough.

I usually stick to the party line with the devotion of a toadstool-nibbling Deadhead clamoring at the gates of Red Rocks…holding a coffee can that isn't for coffee.

Okay, enough with the blustery analogies. I'm a freaking commie pinko liberal and for those who've graciously read perhaps forty percent of my writings, it's fairly obvious.

But this whole Syria thing has me flummoxed. Stumped. Stupefied. 

When President Obama initially scrawled out his "red line," the threshold at which America intervenes to stop the Assad regime from poisoning its innocents en masse and thereby bypassing more conventional savagery, it seemed a logical next step. America could unilaterally eliminate Syria's chemical capabilities and provide some much needed bolstering to the rebel forces.

And I guess if that were possible, I'd still support it. But the more I think about it, the more I doubt that it is, so, as they say on Shark Tank, "I'm out." 

Time to skedaddle off the Obama Obandwagon.

Look, I'm no military expert. I know more about the Starship Enterprise's weapons capabilities than those of the United States military. And by the way, every once in a while, even the combined forces of Spock, Chekov, Scotty and Sulu couldn't get the phasers, deflectors shields and cloaking devices to function properly. Sometimes the shit just didn't work and a few dudes in red and blue and yellow turtlenecks went down hard.

Does America truly possess the capability to pick out the vats of sarin and the stacks of weaponized mustard gas, surgically excising them like plantar warts? Or perhaps, some collateral damage has already been deemed acceptable. If so, are we prepared to kill and maim civilians one way while attempting to prevent their massacre in a different fashion? 

So many questions, and I guess that's my point. As cruel and savage as this "civil" war has become, I can't see how America can improve the situation over there by engaging in "War Light: Now with 100% Fewer Boots on the Ground." 

We've grown accustomed to video game wars fought with drones from trailers in Nevada. We love our Double Whoppers and Triple Quarter Pounders, just not that whole unsightly cow-slaughtering process.

Syria is yet another example of a colonially-generated nation whose borders and tyrannical rulers were created to quell the tribal animosities that have lingered over the millenia and ultimately infected with Arab Spring Fever. No amount of American intervention is going to change that. Why rattle our sabers now after having spent decades doing nothing to curb African genocide? 

Do I have an answer, even a half solution to halt this excruciating massacre of Syria's most vulnerable?

No, but I don't think Barack Obama does, either.

Reflections of a deep 2012.

As we say at work, I thought a little "touchbase" was in order for today. It's been about a week since I've written anything, and today can be kind of rough for a lot of us.

It's December 26, the official day of Christmas hangovers, the morning when we walk into the living room and discover just how dried up the tree really is. Tiny shards of "wrapnel" that were missed after the initial cleanup still litter the floor, mingling with those little T-shaped plastic strands that we've chewed through to remove the tags from our cozy new Peruvian ski caps.

How did things work out for you? Did you get both items on your list, the digital garden hose and the limited edition Justin Bieber toilet targets?

I hope so. We all want the fat guy to grace our homes with an abundance of first world treasures and not use our abodes as merely a convenient rest stop for Stingle, the elderly elf with a spastic colon.

Traditionally, I've found today, or Christmas Anti-Eve, to be a good time to reflect. It's important right now to embrace a year that has about as much time left as a freshly shorn Ted Bundy did upon nestling into his two thousand volt LA-Z-Boy.

And so, I'm going to attempt to steady my hands enough from the giddiness I've been feeling since the clock struck midnight on December 22 and rendered the Mayan's forecast as meaningless as Rush Limbaugh's elliptical trainer, and type out a little synopsis of the year's highlights.

I'll try to keep things buoyant, since hurricanes, mass shootings and convicted child molesters who establish charities to advance their perverted ends, horrific and significant as they are, are hardly cause for lampooning.

So here's some of the other stuff:

Mitt Romney rises to the top of the scrap heap to secure his party's nomination for the presidency. Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann, each enjoying a half-can of Coke Zero as front runners, can't prevent themselves from yakking up chunks of stupid all over their American flag lapel pins, leaving Mitt standing alone on stage in those stonewashed mom jeans he constantly wore.

General David Petraeus, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, admits to repeatedly launching his predator drone into enemy territory. As a consequence, he loses his job and is deemed the odds-on favorite for the presidency in 2016.

Jamie Dimon, President and Chief Executive Officer of JPMorgan Chase, reveals that his company lost at least three billion dollars to bad investments. Testifying in front of Congress, Dimon claims the "Groupon Defense," insisting that he's entitled to another three billion at no additional cost.

Social networking pioneer Mark Zuckerberg takes Facebook, Incorporated, public. The stock loses over a quarter of its value in less than a month and half its initial public offering value in three months. Check it out. It's in their timeline.

The New York Giants, Miami Heat and San Francisco Giants win the world championships of their respective sports, making the phrase, "I couldn't care less," second only to "I know, right?" as the most overused phrase of the year.

Clint Eastwood talks to a chair at the Republican National Convention. While some claim this futile attempt at improvisation sealed Mitt Romney's fate, I disagree. In one fell swoop, Romney secured an untapped section of the voting populace— those who actually saw Obama sitting in the chair.

And speaking of Barack Obama, how about that one? After Karl Rove pumps tens of millions of Super Pac money into attack ads, then performs a nationally televised, election night tantrum that would rival the one my daughter threw in the children's shoe department at Nordstrom on October 17, 2000, the President emerges victorious in a landslide.

I used to think that Karl Rove was the Devil, but I'm pretty sure Satan wouldn't allow his diaper to soak all the way through his Dockers.

So much more amazing stuff happened this year, from legalizing weed to almost losing our friend, the Twinkie, from citizens finally approving same-sex marriage to the Supreme Court nixing Arizona's ridiculous immigration law.

I guess all that's really left for 2013 is bringing our troops home and getting Led Zeppelin back together...

...in that order.

What's the Big Deal About Binders Full of Women?

Binders full of women?

To make a Gilligan's Island analogy, last night's debate reminded me of an argument between the professor and an exotic hybrid combining Gilligan and Thurston Howell III.

Good God, where do we begin?

According to the talking heads, President Obama needed to climb through the ropes clutching a couple of canisters of Whoopass with the lids already off. He knew this Romney guy was girding his loins for a street fight.

And considering that special underwear he sports, that's a lot of Kevlar.

At the outset, the former Massachusetts governor looked cocky and relaxed. He leaned against his bar stool, casually rose and swaggered across the red carpet, clutching the mic like it was his second Shirley Temple on an empty stomach.

No podium, no notes, no problem.

The debate's format was town hall style, comprising an audience of undecided voters, a few of whom had been selected to ask questions of the candidates. Surprisingly, none appeared filthy, bearded, or exhibiting any other attributes of having lived in guano-oozing caves without cable or internet access for the past two years.

Governor Romney initially employed the same tactic for which he received little challenge during the last debate, utilizing numbers to appear competent and truthful. He claimed that oil drilling on federal lands has decreased by fourteen percent during Obama's tenure, thereby causing a surge in oil and gasoline prices.

Our president stood and glared at Romney, as if to say,"Not so fast, my gray-templed, Just for Men spokesmodel." Oil production on federal lands did decrease once— during 2009—but that was due to the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, and overall, drilling has increased by ten percent during the Obama administration.

Oh well, potato potahto. Romney hadn't campaigned relentlessly for the past seven years to cut and run now. If numbers don't work, maybe he could skewer Obama with his own words. When the topic switched to the aftermath of the Benghazi attacks, he asserted that Obama waited fourteen days to label the killings an act of terror.

The President appeared annoyed, as if he'd regretted not having shown up with his daughter's Etch-a-Sketch, since it would have been a lot easier just scrawling out the word "bullshit" and holding it up to the camera every couple of minutes.

With the same incredulous look, Mr. Obama retorted that on September 12, the day after the attacks, he declared that ""No acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation, alter that character, or eclipse the light of the values that we stand for."

This time, it was Mitt who lacked for words. Little help, Candy Crowley? He did say that? Whatever, he's still a commie.

Finally, Romney called off the dogs, believing that since facts and figures were just tools for manipulating the truth, he could sell the audience on his own accomplishments as Governor of Massachusetts.

Asked by Crowley what he would do as president to tear down the glass ceiling denying women equal pay for equal work, Romney avoided the question, instead deciding to boast of a mandate he enacted while governor.

He'd adeptly noticed that, since few women were being vetted for cabinet-level positions, he would initiate a search for qualified women.

Here's the thing, though—that didn't happen. Romney was actually presented his infamous "binders full of women" by MassGAP, a group of women who had resolved to present a list of qualified personnel to whomever was elected governor.

In the end, it was a win-win for Massachusetts, since women comprised forty-two percent of the cabinet and they didn't cost as much.

But I'll tell you, even though Mitt lied about it, it's not like possessing binders full of women is that big of a deal.

When I was a teenager, I didn't put them in binders because that would have been really uncomfortable and hard to fit under my mattress, but I totally could have put them in binders if I had wanted to.

I wonder what ever happened to those.

Why Obama Won the Debate.

I'm obviously in the minority, here.

Apparently, I can be counted among those groups whose memberships are painfully small:

Those who feel O.J. didn't do it.

People who decided that it was finally safe to open the sliding glass door and let the raccoons meet the kittens.

Parents who choose a daycare based on the size of the trampoline and love the teacher/student ratios provided by the halfway house next door.

You see, I believe Barack Obama won last night's debate. In fact, I didn't even think it was that close.

It's hardly a secret that I'm all in for this guy. I'd still vote for him if he'd walked onto the stage and become Barack Madonna greeting Mittany Spears with a one-tongue salute.

Frankly, I was taken aback by the overwhelming sentiment against the president's performance:

Score One For Romney—CNN.com

Debate Praise for Romney as Obama Is Faulted as Flat—New York Times

Presidential Race Reset, GOP and Some Democrats Say—Washington Post

Romney Obliterates Muslim Antichrist, Says He's Happy to Take the Job Off Jesus' Plate*—Fox News
*Among headlines considered but not chosen

I must have been in the bathroom when Romney walked into the party and passed around Kool-Aid beer bongs, because I just didn't spot a sizable advantage. My daughters and I agreed that, while far calmer than his challenger, the president stated his case using facts rather than platitudes.

In addition, we broke the contest into the following categories:

Appearance—In a nutshell, we felt that Romney looked like hell. His eyes were bloodshot and his lips cracked and dry. I'm not sure what looked worse, last night's pallor or the freakish facial dye job Mitt donned for an interview on Univision two weeks ago to appear simpatico with Latino voters.

President Obama looked more relaxed, yet with a considerably heavier dusting of gray than during his 2008 campaign. I'm thinking a lot of that may have transpired during that whole Bin Laden reality TV episode in the Situation Room.

Delivery—We surmised that Governor Romney may have received a special church dispensation and guzzled seven cups of Folger's Crystals prior to the debate; the guy was geeked up. Hopefully, the Secret Service had a nice stash of Handi Wipes to pass the president immediately afterward to squeegee his opponent's caviar-laced spittle from his face and neck.

Mitt interrupted and spoke over moderator Jim Lehrer so frequently, I thought Lehrer might cut his mike, walk up and punch Romney in the hair.

Message—This is the most disturbing reason why I'm stunned that so many believed Romney excelled last night. He provided no solutions for our foundering economy, other than lowering tax rates and eliminating deductions. How much lower and which deductions? Too complicated. You wouldn't understand.

He hates Obamacare, that's loud and clear, but what's his alternative? Romney's already stated that we've got a system in place for the uninsured, and that's provided by America's emergency rooms.

According to Romney, parents should be free to send their children to the best schools, not the ghetto schools that contain all the lazy teachers. Come on, folks. If you live in a bad neighborhood, just move to a good one. For Pete's sake, why must he spell everything out for you people?

It's true that President Obama didn't display the stress-induced energy that Mitt poured onto the stage like a sack of Jello. He also didn't capitalize in Romney's innumerable gaffes: the forty-seven percent comment, the flip-flops on women's and gay rights.

So, Mr. President, you've got two more chances. Please finish this bonehead off. As Mrs. Romney said, "Stop it. This is hard."

I Guess We Know What They Don't Want.

What are your core beliefs?

I know that's a pretty loaded question. Most of us have sort of a "belief pyramid," where our really intense convictions are firmly ingrained up top where the stonework can't get tagged with graffiti or some teenage boy's spent Copenhagen wad.

And then down near the ground, we've got beliefs which, while solid, can be subject to change, such as:

Sure, I definitely believe Farrah was the sexiest of Charlie's Angels, but if Jaclyn Smith had nestled up to a fifteen-year-old Tim on a rainy Saturday morning in 1977, he would not have ejected her from the premises for soiling his already crusty sheets with stale saltine crumbs.

While I firmly believe that Budweiser tastes only marginally better than one of my great uncle's asparagus-laced urine samples, I would not turn one down as a last grasp at pain management while attending a block watch party or one of Seattle's many dog funerals.

I believe that the music industry has hit rock bottom and I find today's artists slightly less appealing than my great aunt's pickled asparagus. Nevertheless, if someone waved free VIP tickets to a Beyoncé show, I'd squeal like a gerbil and immediately hop onto eBay for a good deal on an old gently owned mesh half shirt.

But wouldn't you agree that on certain issues, we just don't waver. We're pretty set in our core beliefs about religion, our children's education and of course...our politics.

Since I'm politically further to the left than Vladimir Lenin and George Clooney in the carpool lane, I thought I'd just take the temperature of the other side—those uptight, humorless, sexually repressed, hopelessly perverted folks whom I oppose with blurry eyed rancor.

No, not the cast of Jersey Shore. I'm referring to the Republicans.

Prior to gathering for their big drunk in Tampa a couple of weeks ago, a blue ribbon GOP committee hammered out the official 2012 Republican Party Platform. I'm not really sure what inspired these stuffy whities to bake up the most fascist hot dish since Mussolini tried his hand at Frito casserole, but boy, did they do Betty Crocker proud.

Here are a few of the core beliefs they submitted, tenets which the committee has advanced as non-negotiable stances of the Grand Old Party:

A Human Life Amendment, which bans abortion in all cases, including rape or incest. Leading the committee was Virginia's governor, Bob McDowell. I can understand why he opposed the whole incest thing. It would make him feel obligated to ask his mom/aunt and dad/uncle some pretty tough questions.

A salute to mandatory ultrasounds as prerequisites to abortions. A salute? That's weird in itself. They're basically saying, "Your punitive and unnecessarily invasive probe is wicked awesome!"

I wonder if they'd salute my idea, which would require men who want vasectomies to first be probed with a tapered tether ball pole. Probably not.

No legal recognition of same-sex couples. Does that mean it's okay to illegally recognize them, like while driving without a seat belt or shooting off bottle rockets?

No new taxes, except for war. Who can afford schools when, according to Mitt Romney, you're in a death struggle to keep up with the Soviet war machine? For all we know, at this moment they're developing a weapon which can take out every drive-through bay in America. Imagine actually walking into a fast food joint?

I understand, it's hard to think the unthinkable.

So, Republican friends, this question is for you: I know you don't necessarily subscribe to any or all of your party's platform.

But your guy does. Does he have your vote?

Why Mitt Romney's Got My Vote.

I finally got him last night.

Or should I say, he got me.

Mitt Romney's hit some potholes along the way, no doubt about it, but he keeps coming back like a a grinning rash with graying temples.

Remember pretty early on, when he had to explain the whole dog misunderstanding? He handled it like any seasoned CEO would.

Apparently, it was son Tag's job to secure Seamus to the roof of the car anyway, but Tag had forgotten to pack the nail gun. Governor MittGyver deftly deduced that, while a nail gun is certainly the most reliable option for attaching a dog to the top of a car for a twelve-hour trip to Canada, a crate may work just as well.

Although the entire family believed Seamus would revel in a high speed joyride on the roof of the Family Truckster, he became so distraught that he lost canine muscle control all over the crate's interior.

Faced with few choices, Mitt chose to lead. He pulled into a gas station and hosed off both Seamus and his personal traveling compartment. Family vacation...on!

He's also experienced some difficulty relating to women's issues, actually, to women in general. I understand; he's got five sons. That's a six pack of non-caffeinated Romney beef locking horns with each other on a daily basis. No room for hens in that cockhouse.

For a while, as governor of Massachusetts, Mr. Romney was pro-choice, because after all, it's Kennedy country. He played their game masterfully, and once he broke free of those liberal New England shackles, he was free to represent the soul of America.

All along, he'd intuitively felt that women possessed too many rights, another point of which he and I concur. I know I'm not alone in saying that I really screwed up raising my first set of kids, and I'm aching for a chance to redeem myself by raising one or both of my daughters' children.

Thank you, my champion.

Same-sex marriage? Are you kidding? If it were legal, can you imagine what's next—a man and a donkey legally adopting donkey children?  It's good to know he can lean on his faith, one which has pretty much opposed non-traditional marriage since 1890.

Neither he nor I support federal legalization of medicinal marijuana, and once again Mr. Romney sacrificed for us. He freaked out really bad one time when he tried it in his dorm room, and he was sure his dad was just outside the door for four hours. Since then, he firmly believes that no American should ever have to be that paranoid or super hungry.

But he still hadn't shoved me all the way up his camp until last night., when he brought out the heavy artillery.

Clint Eastwood.

Mr. Eastwood utilized one of those tried and true acting exercises he learned to master while in drama school during the twenties. He spoke to an empty chair, pretending that Barack Obama sat in it.

When he wasn't stumbling over lines, Clint played the invisible president like a Duncan Butterfly. For an eighty-two-year-old, that guy can almost act.

By the time Governor Romney took to the stage, I'd already built up such a lather from Clint's stirring monologue and the video vignette of Mitt's magical family that I couldn't contain a quivering-lipped "Cmmfff," from escaping my mouth.

And just as with the dog incident, Romney seized command.

He promised twelve million jobs.

Twelve million! Finally, white people can pick my produce.

He pledged to yank healthcare from the 6.6 million Americans who became insured under the president's Affordable Healthcare Act. Good, because I'm sure at least half of those people let their kids take two suckers at the doctor's office.

Finally, he promised to assert U.S. might and influence worldwide, because "a free world is a more peaceful world." And since there's only a skeleton crew left over in Iraq and things are definitely powering down in Afghanistan, Iran looms as the next logical threat and business opportunity.

And I'm all in.

Mitt Romney sees America for what it is—a dirty, dirty place that could use a little cleanin'. And since it worked so well before, he's holding the hose again.

What do you say, America? Are you ready to be hosed?

Obama has no chance in 2012. You heard me.

Like a bunch of third graders jutting their arms in the air and shouting for the teacher's favor and attention, the Republicans are already lining up. Even though many have no idea what the answer is to  the teacher's question, that's really not important; they merely want the bright lights to be turned toward their freshly pancaked pores.

Right now, there are so many of them, from also-rans to never-rans, from Tea Party to debutante party. These people are jockeying for position in a race which may not decide its winner for another seventeen months.

The great state of Iowa typically kicks off the electoral runoff, starting with a straw poll which can render some candidates prematurely irrelevant, like a basketball player who fouls out before even leaving the locker room. Many have invested time and personal fortunes toward securing a foothold in Iowa, but that's merely a thread of silk toward peeling the entire cob.

Ahead of them are exploratory committees and endless fundraisers, followed by town hall meetings, debates, caucuses, primaries and conventions. More palms will be pumped than a barracks during boot camp, week twenty.

But what if it didn't have to be that way? What if no more "I approved this" messages were allowed? What if America wasn't given the choice of electing her President based upon thirty-second television propaganda McNuggets?

What if each candidate, after having passed high-school-sophomore-level, multiple choice quizzes in math, science, current events and geography, were allowed a one-paragraph statement from an empty studio...and then America voted.

I'm not confident that one or any of the Republican front runners could pass the screening test, but for the sake of continuing this exercise, let's assume they do, and we'll begin with a statement by Candidate Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: Look, America, I realize I simultaneously led the effort to impeach a President based on an affair while dipping the wicker myself, but come on, trust me. I'm a man of principles as of three weeks ago, when I personally petitioned the Lord for forgiveness. Plus, my wife works really close to me now.

I also realize that I criticized President Obama for not taking action against Libya and then flipped a one-eighty and criticized him for attacking Libya. So I won't do stuff like that anymore. I stopped yesterday.

Donald Trump: America, do you understand that I've got more loose change in this raccoon's nest on my head than you do in your entire 401K? Come on, what's it gonna cost me to secure your vote? How about I comp your room at one of my casinos and include a nice bottle of Asti Spumante, eh?

And a shrimp platter, with cocktail sauce. Cocktail sauce, America!

Mitt Romney: Hello, my fellow Americans. It's me again, Mitt. Hey, guess what? I'm Lutheran now!

Michele Bachmann: Ladies and gentlemen, look closely at my face. See? I can droop my eyelids a little bit and not look as much like the bat shit crazy, desperate housewife of Minneapolis whom so many of you seem to believe I am.

Plus, I'm rather attractive, which should make up for that wrong answer on the sophomore test. I'm now fully aware that milk comes from cows, and then the store.

Mike Huckabee: My fellow Americans, I've got such a great sense of humor, you won't even notice that I'm not joking about putting a huge plexiglass bubble around our country and teaching creationism to every student except the brown ones who are squeegeeing the huge plexiglass bubble.

Sarah Palin: Hi, guys and gals, it's me again! Log on to Facebook to check out the new word I just made up about our little dust-up with Libya: "squirmish." Isn't it cute? Todd and I have squirmishes all the time and then I tie him up and we reconcile.

Anyway, you all know me already, so remember, by golly...a vote for Sarah is a vote for patrioticness!

I hope you agree, this is an effective, efficient solution to picking the G.O.P. presidential candidate and a technique to make us realize what a daunting roster it truly is.

The results are in: you're all insane.

President Obama, according to CNN.com, is considering delaying a Hawaiian family vacation in an attempt to work out a deal with congressional Republicans on the Bush tax cuts that expire December 31.

This must be a tough pill for the other three Obamas to swallow, but hopefully they're used to this by now. He's the President and he's got to make some tough calls at the expense of his family. He desperately wants to fulfill as many of his campaign goals as he possibly can before Congress squeals to the right faster than Starsky and Hutch in their '75 Gran Torino.

The bigger question, in my opinion, is: Why? Why has he and so many thousands of other elected officials volunteered for this lifestyle? These people are subjected to unrelenting abuse, especially from biased media pundits. Whether liberal or conservative, entire networks exist to undermine their adversaries' platforms, as well as their friendships, associations, family ties, neck ties and haircuts.

I understand the idealistic reasons for which one considers a run at elected office. Many began with a quest to unite and lead, as I did when I had children. Many of us haven't made it too far on that quest.

Some entered the political arena to tirelessly serve others, which, apparently, I've decided to do by having children.

And many who hold public office had fully armored themselves for the unrelenting second-guessing, the personality attacks and the scathing criticism. That's where we differ, since I hadn't really thought about that when I decided to have children.

After reflecting on my first exposure to elected office, I've decided that no one should be surprised about this fiery atmosphere by the time they achieve adulthood, since all the factors are already at play. A kid running for fifth grade student body president campaigns the same way a seasoned politician does. One may promise universal health care, while the other pledges chicken chimichangas every other Thursday, but supporters jump on the bandwagon with equal gusto.

Each criticizes the prior administration. In one case, for igniting an unnecessary war based on false pretenses, and in the other, for not keeping the tether balls fully inflated as promised, leading to unnecessary shoulder blade welts among the constituency.

Once elected, the honeymoon ends quickly. Each is soundly rebuked for pandering to special interests; in one case, the insurance companies or energy industry. In the other, the chess club, which is allowed to stay in a comfortable classroom while the rest of the school crams into the play shed for rainy day recess.

Before long, each is constantly on the defensive, so there's no choice but to tout unnoticed accomplishments, whether it's affordable health care for thirty million Americans or the elimination of tuna fish pizza forever.

So let's not judge our President too harshly for entering the nation's highest office with virtually no executive experience, until we find out one crucial fact:

Was Barack Obama student body president at his elementary school?

I'm sick of Republicans.

Writing a blog can be feast or famine.

Sometimes, ideas gush to the surface like geoducks on the first day of clam season; others, the barren desert that is my cranial cavity swirls with the tumbleweeds of cluelessness.

Today began as the latter. I awoke, thinking, okay, I guess that's it—I'm tapped out. I've squeezed the final drop of blood from my literary turnip; I've eaten the last cookie from the bag of "Thoughts Ahoy." Yet alas, no sooner had I arrived at my local gym and mounted the elliptical trainer, than I was inspired yet again.

NBC's Today Show was playing on my personal screen, the one meant to distract me from my perilously anaerobic physical condition. The topic for the opening fifteen minutes of the show was the state of the American economy and the general public's disapproval with President Obama's stewardship during its current downturn. The polls and pundits expounded about how the planets are aligning for a landslide Republican congressional takeover in November.

I'm an American. I love this place and I try not to take it for granted. But come on, folks, we can be so damned fickle. I realize we live in an age of instant gratification, where a pizza joint which serves cardboard covered in tomato sauce and cheese prospers, simply because it can answer our craving in thirty minutes or less. We want results...now.

People, how long has the President been in office? I'll answer that—twenty months. Twenty months ago, Barrack Obama and a Democratically controlled Congress inherited the worst fiscal and financial crisis since the Great Depression. We stared down the barrel of a massive federal deficit, a healthcare crisis in which thirty million Americans were uninsured and two unpopular wars.

Oh yeah, we also had a bait-switch scam known as Wall Street. I'm not going to paint one party as Dudley Doright and the other as Snidely Whiplash, here, but let's look at the deregulation fiasco as one of the major culprits to our economic demise. Ronald Reagan began the groundswell of laissez faire economic policy through a litany of legislation, wiping out many of the safeguards put in place after the stock market crash of 1929. The savings and loan crisis of the late 1980s merely foreshadowed a new era of highly leveraged, risky behavior by our formerly stodgy financial institutions.

Republican presidents and congresses established policies which resulted in the two largest financial scandals since the 1930s—the aforementioned "junk bond" fiasco and the "sub-prime" crisis, which began with the Republican controlled Congress in 1998.

Our current President has sought to stimulate our economy through numerous measures including the Troubled Asset Recovery Program (or TARP), aimed at eliminating "toxic" assets from our financial markets. He has pushed through an economic stimulus package, which, according to Nobel Prize winning economist, Paul Krugman, is short of what is truly needed to get us back on our feet, yet has staved off another full-blown Depression.

With a crumbling national infrastructure and nearly ten percent unemployment, the prevailing Republican talking point is the same ol' same ol': cut taxes and count on the old "trickle down" theory to create new jobs out of increased corporate profits. Right. Corporations are not benevolent organizations. Profits trickle across to shareholders, not down to employees.

After World War II, our federal government instituted the G.I. Bill to pay for veterans' higher education. The result was a thriving American middle class which enjoyed unprecedented prosperity, yet which has eroded with each passing decade. We need to stop being so very short-sighted and let these new programs take effect. Public works, healthcare and education can and will work if fully funded, but it seems that America's new Tea Party movement brands as socialism the same type movement that the greatest generation employed sixty years ago. Ironic.

The Republican party learned an important lesson from their matriarch, Nancy Reagan—just say no. No to improved infrastructure. No to healthcare for all. No to campaign finance reform. I'm willing to listen to any new proposals from the right, but all I've heard is warmed over retreads of George W. Bush's failed efforts. In other words, a whole lot of nothing.

It's time for America to wait more than thirty minutes for its pizza.