Sunday, September 1, 2013

You Dig?

Wow, what a week.

Typically in this unhinged journal of mine, I like to relate a story, sometimes in longish form, but this time, I'm going to treat your attention span like it's the length of Rush Limbaugh's listener list who possess IQs above those of a gifted geoduck.

Or the list of Rush Limbaugh's black friends.

Or the list of Rush Limbaugh's female acquaintances who aren't monetarily compensated after nine minutes with Rush Limbaugh.

So painfully easy to go after that corpulent steer. Anyway, yeah, let's talk about a few things that happened this past week, and I promise I won't drone on like...okay, Rush Limbaugh.

We all know about the whole Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke thing already, right? No need to beat that dead horse, even though I think I would have rather watched a dead horse being beaten than witness such a raunchy spectacle first on my TV and then on my computer over and over and over...

Let's move on. Really, I should have led with this story, because it's huge. Kanye West revealed, on mother-in-law Kris Jenner's talk show, the first photograph of baby North. How wonderful. I can't wait for the next installment of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, where Kim and Kanye spat adorably over which nanny will change the baby's diaper, and they can't agree so they stage a nanny decathlon for all sixteen caregivers.

And it turns out it was Bruce Jenner's idea. Fun!

Popular British talk show host David Frost passed away at 74. Anyone around my age can remember Frost's crowning moment, his 1977 interview with Richard Nixon, a guy who was so awkward he famously gave up on a child-proof container and handed it to an aid, its lid gauged with Tricky Dick's teeth marks.

More than thirty years later, Frost remembered Nixon as a socially inept figure who, while once discussing what they'd done the previous evening, asked the host, "Did you do any fornicating?"

I don't know what Mr. Frost's reply was but if it were me, it may have been something like, "Well, Mr. President, I was alone in my hotel room. Define fornicating."

Rest in peace, David Frost.

Quarterback Tim Tebow was released by the New England Patriots. Dang, that dude was one of my lampooning staples. Hopefully he can catch on as a backup for another NFL franchise. We all know JC needs someone holding the clipboard while he's out blessing everyone who points to him after concussing the punter.

Fox News' Bill O'Reilly admitted he was wrong after charging that no Republicans were invited to speak at Wednesday's March on Washington anniversary. It turned out that several Republicans were in fact asked to orate, including both George Bushes and House Speaker John Boehner, all of whom declined.

Holy shit! Billo apologized? Between that and the Tebow cut, I'll have no one left to ridicule except my children.

That's cool, I've got plenty of material there.

Finally, in local news with national implications, I built a fire pit in the back yard yesterday. Naturally, a project I assumed would consume about three hours of my Saturday afternoon actually required about six hours and a borderline need for an A positive blood transfusion.

Here's a tip if you're thinking about building a fire pit: Don't use bricks from an old, mystery oven out by the back fence.

I had to chip so much mortar off those things that "mortar" morphed into "Mordor" in my subconscious and I had really trippy Lord of the Rings dreams last night.

Here's how it looked upon completion.

Sorry to get all Facebook on you. I try not to be one of those people who takes pictures of her incredible quinoa martini while dining on the beaches of St. Croix.

I just want those kids in Holes to know how much I feel their pain.

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