Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Ease Up On Miley...And That Foam Finger Thing.

By now, we've all seen a shot or two of Miley Cyrus' performance at the MTV VMAs. For those of you who haven't, here's a little smidge:

Holy shit, right? I mean come on, what does "MTV VMAs" stand for—"Miley Tried Vodka and Vomited Mealy Apples"?

And by the way, who's that dude, some kind of porn ref? After further review, the receiver batted the ball away, resulting in an incomplete pass. Come on, if that guy's real name is Robin Thicke, then mine is Dirk Freaking Diggler.

But this isn't the first time young Hannah Montana has blended up a scandal smoothie with a Billy Ray boost. Look at this image from a Vanity Fair shoot, taken in 2008 when she was fifteen:

Hey B. Ray, Uncle Skeezy called and wants his tight black tank top back. Yuck.

Okay, look, no pun intended but I need to back up here and apologize to the Achy Breaky Trouser Snakey. Who am I to cast empties from my glass trailer? After all, I've been captured in some photographs with my daughters that aren't exactly on the short list for Facebook profile pics. 

Here's one my wife took right after my six-year-old back-talked me and I went after her with the closest thing available, which happened to be one of those garden gnomes: 

Thank God for my bad aim, as it missed her and shattered against the tool shed.

And if that's not inappropriate enough, how about this one? Again taken by my bride, this image portrays a moment I was literally caught with my pants down. 

One of my most trusted friends chose to drop my trou when I was at my most vulnerable, while trick-or-treating with my daughter atop my shoulders. Sure, I was an innocent victim, but tell that to the tabloids.

The trauma etched across her face haunts me to this day.

Here's the other thing about Sunday night's performance by Ms. Eileen Dover: 

She's twenty years old. Who among us didn't make bad choices and do embarrassing things at twenty? For God's sake, that's when I decided to major in accounting. That's when I thought it might be a good idea to buy a blow dryer. That's the age I believed that wine coolers and Copenhagen were the new peanut butter and jelly.

Let's just hope she ends up more like Ron Howard or Jodie Foster than Danny Bonaduce or Todd Bridges or the worst of them all—Kirk Cameron. 

Let's give Miley a break, eh?

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