By the way, we were promised flying cars by now, correct? That's what I'd been led to believe, anyway, and I'm not talking about weak sauce Chitty Chitty Bang Bang-type sky jalopies. I'm talking about sleek hovercraft that are pre-programmed to pick up George Jetson from H.D. Hotspurs at exactly 2:07 AM. The nicer editions are equipped to negate the emissions of George's non-carcinogenic Marlboro Light for the ride home.
Oh, well, comme ci comme ça. We may not yet have all the futuristic goodies predicted in our Weekly Readers, but we do have some of them. Supposedly, this art is from a German magazine of the 1930s, but I couldn't confirm the name of the artist or publication. Either way, I do love the server in the background. She's like, "Look, ladies, I've been by to take your orders twice already, and since you apparently aren't able to pull your eyeholes away from those goddamn picture phones, I'll be back in an hour, bitches."
Back in the day, how did you envision the world in 2023? It probably depends on which "you" we're asking. I'd like to think I came up with a pretty Zen way of putting this:
People change. So do things.*
*Trademark pending
In 1973, 11-year-old me would have pictured a Star Trek-themed 2023. Interplanetary travel would be commonplace, and as galactic goodwill ambassadors, it was our duty to liberate the oppressed humanoids. This could only be accomplished by defeating the alien warlord while ripping your shirt in the process, then making out with the foxiest female-presenting alien, as James T. Kirk did repeatedly throughout the universe.
The terms "shelter in place" and "lockdown" didn't exist for any school-age kid.
When asked in 1983 about his vision of the future, 21-year-old Tim would've shoved a hearty clod of Kodiak between his cheek and gum, stared glassy-eyed at the floor until the buzz began to wane, and then answered with something like, "I don't know, but beer." He may have briefly pondered future tech advancements like cheese-stuffed crust or crust-filled cheese, but how could he have anticipated a worldwide pandemic that's killed nearly seven million people by the year's onset?
No one could, except maybe Bill Gates and some other members of the Illuminati.
2003 me, a father at this point and finally clued in to the earth's dicey environmental future, would have been more locked in on recycling, composting and T-ball coaching than the looming invasion of smart phone technology and its power over all of us, especially those T-ball players in a few years.
Sorry to be so depressing, but please take heart. We've experienced scads of positive developments that most of us could never have anticipated. Who would've predicted that we'd have ourselves a vaccine within a year of the outbreak, one that's now saved millions of lives? Come on, only Q could've called that one.
And how about televisions? After decades of bulky expensiveness, did anyone really think that by 2023, TVs would be as big as a house, light as a blouse and cheap as...visiting Laos?
But since today is January 6, how about if we end with the biggest blindside of all? Despite all the warning signs—the racist rallies, the Million MAGA March, the 2.7 extra Y chromosomes (on average) per rioter—I still didn't think there was any way those yahoos were getting into the Capitol, let alone halting the election certification. Wrong again.
I can at least find a smidge of solace in the fact that a sizable hoard of swagged-out GI Joe wannabes shat their dungarees by live-posting to their cousin wives back at the Bethesda Days Inn. Smart technology indeed.
Two years later, the abscess remains, albeit under the surface, like those things cats get. A gaggle of Nazi congressmen and women continues to piss into the gas tank of democracy, and even with a majority, the Republicans have proven themselves incapable of agreeing on a leader. Any hope for meaningful legislation is a bridge absurdly far from where we are now.
On that cheery note, please try not to despair too much during these opening moments of 2023. The adults are still in charge and there are lots of good shows and podcasts to distract us. And who knows, maybe by the end of the year, those flying cars will show up like they promised.
Happy New Year, friend.
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