It's been a while! Good to see you again, at least in a figurative sense. Last time I checked in was August and now look at us, already nestled in the lardy perineum between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. I'd like to say I've been too busy to write, but please, if I can find the time to consume all twelve seasons of Evil Lives Here in a single fortnight, I can probably pound out a blog post or two. But enough with the self-debasement (put that in de basement). I actually have been writing, but it's been in pursuit of a different objective, namely fake journalism.
Chances are you're familiar with The Onion, a satirical website that parodies current events through the guise and format of a real newspapers, but without bylines. To illustrate, here's a headline from last week: Leonardo DiCaprio Tears Fabric Of Universe Apart Attempting To Have Sex With Girl Not Yet Born.
Kind of edgy and inappropriate, yes? Also right up my alley. And as luck would have it, Seattle has its own version of The Onion, focused predominately on Seattle and the PNW, but also with the occasional piece centered around a national issue. It's called The Needling, Seattle's Only Real Fake News.
Started five years ago by Lex Vaughn, former real reporter for the Seattle Times and winner of the actual Pulitzer prize for her coverage of the Oso Mudslide, The Needling was born when she decided to combine her love of comedy with some formidable journalistic chops.
Even though it's been around since 2018, I was oblivious to The Needling's existence until last spring. But when I discovered that they accepted headline pitches from the general public, I immediately became Lex's worst nightmare. Having been a serial maker-funner-of all my life, I now had an outlet for all things emanating from the darkest, most warped corners of Tim's Funnytown.
Not knowing if I'd even be in the ballpark, I submitted these headlines for last May's upcoming news stories:
Seattle is the fastest growing city in the US, especially since starting puberty over the summer.
Drivers in Seattle swerve, honk and say what the fuck in honor of World Bicycle Day.
(For Father's Day) Local dad hugs kids, says you can never have enough WD40.
Mother confirms that Father's Day is every day when it comes to husband Larry.
Gen Z to observe two consecutive Sundays this Sunday.
Rep. Jim Jordan to wrestle child for Ohio children's charity.
Meta users found three times less likely to hold a train of—
Local militia hosts weenie roast fundraiser for member who blew penis off.
Mariners run out of shades of blue, move on to various orange tints.
Lex replied a couple of days later (and who do you think was Mr. Happy then!), saying that the Mariner headline was a strong candidate for a story in The Needling. Naturally, I dropped everything and wrote up the story, using the journalistic format that is required for these types of stores.
Having exhausted every shade of blue following the unveiling of their “city connect” uniforms, The Seattle Mariners announced an “exciting new direction” in color scheme on Wednesday.
“Our new orange shades may seem random to some of our fans,” said Andy Hockinson, Assistant Director of Excess Marketing, “but they’re so much more than that. Once a week for the rest of the summer, our players will be wearing a different ‘Salute to Eastern Washington’ uniform. We call them our ‘Eastside Burner’ unis, where every shade of orange is from an actual wildfire. Monday’s outfits get their vibe from the 2015 Chelan Wolverine blaze. Simply put, they’re breathtaking.”
While shifting color palettes have become commonplace for many major league sports franchises, the Mariners believe they’ve set themselves apart by tapping into the dramatic hues of natural disaster. “This is only the beginning,” said Stacey Shawcey, Mariners Vice President of Customer Engagement. “We’ve got a Seattle Fault Tsunami colorway all ready to go—sort of a muddy, grey, murky look. God forbid something like that ever happens, but let’s face it, the kids are gonna want that merch.”
Shaw said the Mariners will be having some great promotions to coincide with this summer’s Salute to Eastern Washington series, including Monday’s game against the Rangers where the first 10,000 fans will receive “Matt Brashfire” bobbleheads. First pitch is at 7:05.
Ultimately, this story wasn't meant to see the smoky, filtered light of day. It didn't quite clear the gauntlet of editors and reviewers needed for publication, but that was okay. I'd now at least made the list of contributors that received periodic emails from Lex containing prompts of upcoming local and national newsworthy events. All summer and into the early fall I pitched headlines):
To celebrate National Coming Out Day, Elon Musk reveals that he's been an awkward douchebag his whole life.
Crowd cheers as children chase off Seafair Pirates once and for all.
WSU football coach excited about joining "crazy talented" Texas high school league.
Death Cab for Cutie adds afternoon show at Fife Senior Center.
Citing lagging exchange rate, Canadians only 84% sorry for exploiting indigenous peoples this Thanksgiving.
Citing lagging exchange rate, Canadians only 84% sorry for exploiting indigenous peoples this Thanksgiving.
FDA lists Big Mac as most effective over-the-counter laxative.
Florida voters approve less cumbersome non-sex offender registry.
Bezos moves to Florida because that’s where all serial killers go at the end.
Bezos moves to Florida to constantly be closer to Blue Origin penis rockets.
Bezos wants Seattle to know that he appreciates you. Not.
Bezos moves to Florida to constantly be closer to Blue Origin penis rockets.
Bezos wants Seattle to know that he appreciates you. Not.
Local dog laughs off frightening misunderstanding about Veterinarian's Day.
Colon health nonprofit pushes for name change to Brown Friday.
New Seattle mental health response squad thinks it would be cool to dress like Fantastic Four.
Colon health nonprofit pushes for name change to Brown Friday.
New Seattle mental health response squad thinks it would be cool to dress like Fantastic Four.
Seven Handmaids Escape Washington Commanders Team Hotel During Loss to Seahawks
Local Third Grader Really Fucking Stressed About Parent/Teacher Conferences
Federal Way Dad Suffocates on Jolly Ranchers in Heartbreaking Attempt to Finally Finish Off the Shitty Halloween Candy
Then in October, I hit paydirt. Rather than pasting the whole article here, I figured you could just click on the link if you want to read it:
Climate Pledge Arena to offer a hot dog, small drink and kick in the throat for $49.99
I'll tell you, when I found out this one had made it through the gauntlet, it felt like Lorne Michaels had green-lighted my sketch idea. I was elated, and I'm so grateful to Lex and her crew for entertaining the questionable material that typically performs in my brain before an audience of one.
I'll tell you, when I found out this one had made it through the gauntlet, it felt like Lorne Michaels had green-lighted my sketch idea. I was elated, and I'm so grateful to Lex and her crew for entertaining the questionable material that typically performs in my brain before an audience of one.
More to come, hopefully.
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