Some advice for Tiger, no charge

Yesterday, Tiger Woods signaled his return to the professional golf circuit as he announced his intention to compete in the Masters tournament in April. In the event that Mr. Woods hasn't considered how to deal with the media scrutiny in the coming months, I've outlined a few tips, a few nuggets of wisdom. Take them or leave them, Tiger:

1) Eat breakfast at your hotel and go straight to the golf links. Do not duck your head into the nearest Perkins restaurant for a smidge of somethin' somethin'.

2) You're now the new and improved Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. It no longer should matter whether or not your driver is longer than everyone else's.

3) When addressing the media, try to avoid the phrase, "I had a nice lie on the 15th green."

4) It's understandable why Nike has kept you as an endorser. After all, why should they care if you "just do it?" However, it seems surprising that Gatorade has dropped your services, when their slogan is, "Is it in you?"

5) Remember, if someone asks you about "playing Augusta," they are not referring to a Denny's cocktail waitress.

6) I know you've recently completed treatment for sex addiction, and things are still a little bit raw, emotionally. Just be confident that if you're lucky enough to win the Masters and don the green jacket, this will not affect you like the green M&Ms did.

7) You will be faced with countless distractions while pacing the fairways, so remember, as you line up that shot, just relax and think about baseball.

8) Think about giving a little shout-out to your good friend, Charles Barkley, whose counsel you sought out during your darkest moments. Who among us hasn't thought "What would Charles do?" as we prepared to wager our mortgages on pair of jacks.

9) If you do decide to start your life over with a new outlook, remember, when you're married and are  the father of two young children, life is not the sexual equivalent of the Olive Garden Bottomless Pasta Bowl.

10) Don't blow it this time.

Tiger Woods and Dr. Seuss: such unlikely bedfellows

Today, I thought I'd just sit back and look around a bit. Here are few things I've noticed going on around us as we head into March:

-While the United States Congress works feverishly(?) to push through some historical healthcare legislation, a representative from North Carolina, Congressman Patrick McHenry, has decided to go rogue. He's campaigning to replace the likeness on the fifty-dollar bill from Ulysses S. Grant to, you guessed it, Ronald Reagan. Really? Isn't that like a little like floating in the middle of the ocean in a lifeboat, spotting a ship on the horizon, and deciding it's a good time to wax your eyebrows?

-Allergy season has returned with a vengeance. Lately, my mornings have consisted of waking up, prying open my sticky, cakey eyelids, sneezing twelve or thirteen times (in other words, having a sneezure), and popping a generic Claritin. This is the time of year when at least one friend says to me, "Is that an inhaler in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me (in a freakish, L-shaped way)?"

-Baseball season enters the radar. I love baseball, and now, with steroid testing in full swing, the formerly iron-muscled players seem just a bit smaller and softer. In fact, MLB, rather than being the abbreviation for Major League Baseball, could now stand for "Men with Large Boobs."

-Tiger Woods has finally been discharged (not sure that's an appropriate word to use) from a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. I've often wondered, how do you treat something like that? Is it Pavlovian, where electrodes are involved? Well, all I can say is, if his wife decides to take this guy back, she's a bigger person than I would be. If I were her, I'd already be known as "Cougar Woods."

-March 2 marked the birthday of one of my idols—Dr. Seuss. How many children and parents alike are indebted to this man for his life lessons, his illustrations and his poetry. He taught us morals and principles, though never in a preachy way, and always with the utmost creativity and humor. In fact:

I have read him in the rain.
And I have read him on a train.
And in a car.
And on a boat.
And when my kid forgot her coat.
And at the park, oh my, oh my.
And when my daughter had pink eye.
We've read his books so much, you see.
I feel I owe a user fee.

Happy March, all you Whos in Whoville.