Another Quarterly Newsletter

Hey, you. Been a minute. As Robin, the world's number-one number two might say, "Holy wrist cramp, Batman, it's about time you wrote something again." 

Indeed it is, old chum. I can always count on you to set me straight. It is a bit unfortunate, however, that my bat vision has again been mercilessly hijacked by that straining, threadbare moose knuckle of yours. What's the name of that pose, anyway—Flasher Moth?

I'll stop being Batman now. How are you holding up these days? When we last connected in July, had you any inkling that that witless, salmon-dyed ass captain would again be elected president? I really didn't think it could happen, not when it boiled down to each American blacking out that little oval on the ballot. How could a 34-time convicted felon who incited an attempted coup win back the office he nearly refused to leave last time?

Only in the U S of A. Or...Hungary or Turkey.

Granted, Joe Biden didn't do the Democrats any favors by showing up at the debate looking like a college freshman who'd just hoovered a papa nug of his older roommate's skunk bud, leaving him with the entire English language on the tip of his tongue. 

Nope, not helpful, and it proved to be a bridge too far, where even the newly-allied Dems and old-school Republicans couldn't provide enough of a bump to overcome the will of America's premier political party: People With Grievances. Here's a small list of their grievances, followed by some watertight counterpoints.

Grievance: The mainstream media is nothing more than a communications outlet for the socialist deep state and very possibly the Illuminati. 

Ironclad retort: Bullshit. Just because you don't like the information doesn't mean the information isn't true. Check out the sourced journalism at AP, rather than the unfettered chatter bouncing around the echo chambers of TikTok, X, One America Network, CNN and MSNBC.

Grievance: High egg prices are Biden's fault. Not sure why, exactly, they just are.

Ironclad retort: High egg prices are the direct result of an unprecedented avian flu epidemic, and it might not be the best of timing in dismantling the CDC and NIH. 

Grievance: LGBTQ+ rights, DEI and general wokeness is fake news. Why endow some people with more rights than others? 

Ironclad retort: Let's be clear on this one. Straight, white people start the ninth inning standing on third base, and that transgender person in the bathroom just has to pee. Wokeness, while no longer a fashionable term, simply means compassion and if you're against that, it's on you.

Grievance: Illegal immigration is threatening our safety and stealing our jobs.

Ironclad retort: It's a problem, no doubt about it. But tell me, People with Grievances, how has this personally affected you? Maybe you truly are running around out there in the wild, dodging murderers and rapists at every turn. But once that baby gets thrown out of the country with the bathwater, you might plan on seeing a dishwashing fee tacked onto the tab next time you visit your favorite bar or eatery. 

Okay, enough of the politics. We'll get through this the same way we made it through the first term, and every day that passes is one less day that orange shitsicle plants his hemhorroid-ribboned haunches behind the Resolute Desk.  

On a personal note, my life has changed a bit since we last talked. Following a six-month job search, one in which I learned that this age thing really is a bit of a albatross, I landed a job at a place you may be familiar with. I'm not going to lie, it's been quite an adjustment. After spending 39 years at desk jobs, let's just say I've arrived home pretty tired for that first twenty-two weeks or so. 

I've also managed to find my way into the art department, where the signs and displays are done by hand. Here's an example, if you haven't guessed my new establishment:

I've chronicled my art journey on a Pinterest page here, if you're interested. See if you can tell which sign was the first one (It shouldn't be too hard, I don't think!). 

Also, I published Against the Edge, my debut novel on Amazon in September. Thanks so much to those of you who've so generously supported this ten-year endeavor, and please tell your friends. My marketing effort is as rustic as Fred Flintstone's electric shaver. 

Hang in there.

Today's top ten career choices: easy money

Future career options are frequent topics of conversation between my daughters and me.

I remember constantly revising my future vocation as a ten-year-old, vacillating from NASA scientist to talk show host to orthodontist. My ten-year-old daughter is no different, as she has recently updated her choice from bartender to fashion designer/cake decorator/stay-at-home mom.

I'm sure a lot of us have read or heard about how tight the job market is for recent college graduates, so I decided to do a little research. I found this piece in U.S. News and World Report, regarding the most desirable careers for 2009. Criteria included pay, job satisfaction and demand. Here are the top ten:

1) Audiologist—I know absolutely nothing about this, but it definitely sounds cool. Back in my single days, what I wouldn't have given to approach some babe at the TGI Fridays around 1:30 AM and say, "Hi, I'm Tim. What do I do for a living? Glad you asked. I'm an audiologist with Audiological Associates of Anaheim, and I specialize in the detection of audiological pseudohypoacusis. Want to get some breakfast?"

2) Biomedical Equipment Technician—This sounds fairly simple. It probably concerns tasks like restocking that huge tissue paper roll at the foot of the exam table. You know...that thin layer of parchment for which your hospital gown parts.

3) Clergy—This would also be a slam dunk. All you have to do is buy a helmet-like, gray man wig and sit on a throne-type chair, while your clownish wife in her gunny sack dress sobs and begs old people for their social security checks. This can be accomplished with traditional television or YouTube.

4) Curriculum/Training Specialist—Fun. You just walk into, for example, a workplace lunchroom and say, "The English Muffin setting is here. Bagels, right here. Everything else, use this one. If anything comes out charred and black, you've toasted it too long. Okay, I'm going to get some Dim Sum. Peace out."

5) Engineer—What a blast, especially if I get to lean out the window of the locomotive, wave to kids and wear that special hat.

6) Genetic Counselor—Another unchallenging, yet apparently appealing, career. All you have to do is say, "Hi, come one in. Have a seat. Well, it appears that what we suspected is true...you've got genes and so does your husband. Go ahead and see Blanche on the way out for your next appointment."

7) Ghostwriter—I would love to do this one. In fact, if anyone out there wants me to ghost write their book, I'll do it for a six-pack of I.P.A. and two tickets to see Night Ranger at The Royal Fork Buffet.

8) Government Manager—one word: oxymoron.

9) Hair Stylist/Cosmetologist—I have too many friends who perform this job, so I'm not going to skewer it. Plus, it's difficult on the back and requires a creative approach, combined with customer-service capabilities. Love you guys.

10) Health Policy Specialist— I love how the word, "Specialist" is tacked onto a lot of job titles. I guess the rest of us are merely "Averagists."

Hopefully, these careers will still be around when my ten-year-old is out job hunting. If not, I guess I'd better clear out the spare room for potential cake making, fashion designing and child raising.

Is yours a job, a career or a calling?

Every so often, I like to ask my kids what they want to be when they grow up. I never know if I'll receive the same answer as I did a day, a week or a year ago. My nine-year-old daughter's most recent career choice is to become either a lawyer or a bartender. Why not both? I wondered. She can offer discounted legal services and dollar well drinks during happy hour.

As flippant as this sounds, however, how long did it really take some of us to decide on a career, let alone when we would actually be "grown up?" It seemed so much simpler back in our fathers' eras of working for G.E. or G.M. or 3M or IBM for 35 years, and retiring with a shiny, gold watch and even shinier pension. I'm sure it wasn't all that simple nor easy, but the word "loyalty" did hold a larger status among employers.

Today's youth don't seem to possess the luxury of feeling things out during those first two years of college, and then declaring a solid major and plowing full-steam-ahead toward a corporate executive position upon graduation. It seems that presently, kids' career paths begin in high school, with running start programs or international baccalaureate pursuits, and let's not even delve into the sporting arena, with AAU teams, personal trainers and traveling all-star teams encouraging specialization at a young age.

Even when I attended college almost thirty years ago, my peers and I were faced with choosing between a well-rounded, liberal arts education and vocational training, otherwise known as a business degree. It was during the full-blown glory of the Reagan years, and the young Republicans bloomed at the University of Washington campus like azaleas at the Masters. An individual had to be extremely cautious walking the halls of the business school, or his or her eyes risked being gashed out by some guy's pink, vampire-like IZOD collar.

The word "vicious" is probably a little strong to describe the atmosphere within my chosen major of accounting, but I'll also say we didn't all join hands with a big, purple dinosaur, either. One of my fondest memories was looking over at my adjacent classmate as he spied the numerals "2.5" across the top of my mid-term exam. With a satisfied smirk, he looked at me and simply stated, "Bummer." I came hauntingly close to removing my penny loafer and pile driving it into his mouth, the penny hurling from the shoe tongue and lodging against his uvula.

A common behavior among my fellow accounting pledges was to occasionally wear business suits to class. This indicated only one thing—that you had an interview that day with a big firm, like Price Waterhouse or Deloitte & Touche, and didn't have time to change before the big meeting. Color me bitter and/or jealous, as I never had the good fortune of wearing a suit to class, but, many years later,  I took a slight bit of pleasure when the largest accounting firm in the world, Arthur Andersen, imploded in a blaze of humiliation along with Enron, its partner in crime. Take that, you cream-of-the-crop scholars. Bummer.

Okay, time to pull the cord and jump off the vindictive bus. Honestly, I'll never regret the education and five-year accounting career I embarked upon following my graduation from the U.W. I don't think my subsequent twenty-year stint as a graphic designer could've been possible any other way, and I learned some valuable lessons about the difference between the words "job" and "career," as well as the difference between the words "career" and "calling."

Here's to all of us discovering our calling.