The Con Man and the Carpet Bomber

Let’s start with a quick quiz. True or false, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump, at some point or another, has said each of the following:

“I don’t feel guilty for anything. I feel sorry for people who feel guilt.”

“Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.”

"Torture works, okay folks? Believe me, it works.”

The answer is “false.” Ted Bundy uttered the first statement just prior to kicking back in Old Sparky, and the second quote comes from none other than Adolph Hitler. Oh, and yeah, that last line actually is from Trump, since Hitler probably would have said "volks” and the word “earthly” is a little too fancy for the Apricot Assmask.

My point is, when stacked up against two all-time psychopaths, Donald Trump cozies up like a puppy in a sack of sausage. Like the other two, he thrives on deception and preys on fear, he dangles his vitriolic red meat above the ravenous mouths of the disillusioned and disenfranchised, and over the past six months, he’s provided his supporters no shortage of targets on which to focus their hatred.

The irony in all this is Donald Trump, the man. While railing against corporate special interests and political corruption, he’s morphed into the human personification of the very entity he eschews. Like a classic American corporation, he isn’t immoral, he’s amoral—his sole aim is maximum returns for the good of the brand, and he’s demonstrated a willingness to do or say anything toward that end. In his mind, just as Hitler spouted, success is the ultimate judge of right and wrong.

But you already knew that. The question now is, what do we do? I’m not really sure, but after this week’s Super Tuesday III, Ted Cruz seems to think he’s got the nomination aced. After Marco Rubio’s withdrawal Tuesday night, young Ted took the podium with squinty delusions of grandeur despite having won nary a state. Here’s a little snippet:

"Together we will make Washington less relevant in all of our lives. We will repeal every word of Obamacare. We will pass a simple flat tax and abolish the IRS. We will rein in the EPA and the government regulators that are killing small businesses.

"And we'll stop amnesty, secure the borders, and end welfare benefits for those here illegally. And the result will be millions upon millions of high-paying jobs and wages rising for people across America. (It) will be young people coming out of school with two, three, four, five job opportunities.”

Holy shit, Ted, what’s the plan for your second week in office?

I’m about seventy percent sure that next January, Bill Clinton will saunter through the White House door, high five Hillary and sprint to his room to see if his stash of Penthouses is still under the bed. But God bless the United States of America when that happens, because if you think our nation is divided now, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Fox News, indebted to the original Clinton presidency for its anointing as messenger to the ignorant and fearful, will blossom. “Fox4U," its new alternative offshoot, will have the news read by attractive twenty-somethings who will rail against the Clintons while wearing bikinis and sausage satchels. Ratings will skyrocket.

Until then, the Repubs are left to choose between Trump, Cruz or an as-yet-unnamed GOP savior. If this happens, chances are extremely likely that this individual will be considerably more normal-looking than either of the other candidates. Look, I know I’m no beauty queen, but Cruz is one creepy looking Texan. He's got the the face of a comic book villain whose face stuck in a contorted smirk after a nuclear mishap.

To my conservative chums, a friendly word of advice: get your shit together. Right now, you must select either a megalomaniac who believes in exacting revenge on terrorists’ families, or a ghoulish theocrat who will "utterly destroy ISIS. We will carpet bomb them into oblivion. I don't know if sand can glow in the dark, but we're going to find out.”

Out of the 142 million Americans eligible to run for president, you've narrowed it down to these two? Scary.

Fear and Hatred: This Year's Running Mates.

Wow, that didn't take long. Already, things are heatin' up all good and hot.

With a year still to go until the election, the mud's been flying like spittle from a stuck razorback. It won't take long for all that aerial muck to form quicksand beneath most of the field, but right now, no fewer than fifteen Repub hopefuls currently contend for the silver medal next November.

Did you watch the debates last week? I missed the JV contest, but made it home in time for the main event, the one featuring the eleven highest pollers. Entertaining theater overall, the candidates sweltered under the kliegs for three hours, with Mike Huckabee joking afterwards that he'd sweat through both his women's underwear and his wool suit.

Without delving too far into each candidate's performance, only former Hewlitt-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina bolstered her position in the pecking order by smacking down that misogynist meathead, Donald Trump. The rest of the roster just looked flustered and a little desperate,. For a moment, former Florida governor Jeb Bush even looked like he wanted to punch the Jersey Ginger. Seriously, I haven't seen Jeb that pissed since Dubya puked in his little brother's Chihuly bong.

Dr. Ben Carson also hurt himself in the debate. The soft-crooning pediatric neurologist made only a half-baked attempt at dispelling Trump's baseless assertions regarding a link between childhood immunizations and autism. Appearing tentative at the thought of attracting the Wrath of Don, Dr. Carson meekly ended his evening with, "Real leadership is what I would hopefully bring to America."

Hopefully? That's about as presidential as tweeting on the toilet.

Following the debate, Fiorina rocketed to second place at 15% support in a national CNN/ORC poll, leapfrogging Carson's 14% and creeping toward Trump's 24% rating.

Sensing an irreversible fade, the brain surgeon went all in. On Sunday's Meet the Press, Chuck Todd asked Carson, "Should a President’s faith matter?"

"Well, I guess it depends on what that faith is," Dr. Carson replied. "If it’s inconsistent with the values and principles of America, then of course it should matter. But if it fits within the realm of America and consistent with the Constitution, no problem."

Todd followed up with: "So do you believe that Islam is consistent with the Constitution?"

"No, I don’t, I do not," Carson said. "I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that."

As you might expect, while the good doctor's approval rating flat-lined, his donations exploded that Sunday like a moist Twinkie in a hot car, securing a cool million dollars within the first 24 hours of his assertion.

Ignoring the public backlash after catching the savory whiff of greenbacks, Carson doubled down on Monday: “I do not believe Sharia is consistent with the Constitution of this country,” he said in an interview with The Hill, referencing the Islamic law derived from the Koran and traditions of Islam. “Muslims feel that their religion is very much a part of your public life and what you do as a public official, and that’s inconsistent with our principles and our Constitution.”

Granted, this man is a highly accomplished physician, but does he actually possess the acuity to know how someone feels? Well, that's definitely part of the problem, but what I'm trying to understand is this: Ben Carson is saying that those who are ruled by their religion, those who place God over all else, are ignoring the Constitution and are thus not fit to govern in America.

Alas, how can such hypocrisy spring from such a learned individual? What Carson conveniently forgets is that his main supporter base is Christian evangelicals.These and all other Americans are protected, he claims, by the First Amendment, guaranteeing the unencumbered free exercise of religion with zero governmental interference.

Hmm.

Throughout history, only a handful of folks have experienced the privilege of speaking with God personally. Let's see, there was Joseph Smith, but he needed quite a few props to pull it off, and Russell Wilson had that brief touch-base with the Big Guy on the sideline after the touchdown-that-wasn't last February.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. This also happened:



If you are a practicing evangelical, you believe that God reigns supreme over all worldly kings and his laws form the basis of each inalienable right we enjoy as Americans. But what if God had something additional to say—and it was to you?

You'd probably freak out quite a bit at first, but he'd patiently wait for you to calm the hell down because he's God and time's not an issue. As your knees slowly stopped knocking together, his words would boom slowly and kindly:

"I, God, hereby command you to commit an act of terrorism against the United States."

What would you do? Would you say, "Hey...umm...listen...I'm pretty sure you're not actually my God," then immediately punch up Yelp for other religions in your zip code? Or do you obey him faithfully because his law supersedes all other and thus screw the pooch of patriotism?

Smart as he is, I think Ben Carson might want to rethink his position on the rights of American Muslims. His comments hurt everyone, not the least of which are his most fervent supporters, and the bigotry and fear he garners only energize the most ignorant and dangerous among them.

Unfortunately, money seems to talk a lot louder than God these days.

I Guess We Know What They Don't Want.

What are your core beliefs?

I know that's a pretty loaded question. Most of us have sort of a "belief pyramid," where our really intense convictions are firmly ingrained up top where the stonework can't get tagged with graffiti or some teenage boy's spent Copenhagen wad.

And then down near the ground, we've got beliefs which, while solid, can be subject to change, such as:

Sure, I definitely believe Farrah was the sexiest of Charlie's Angels, but if Jaclyn Smith had nestled up to a fifteen-year-old Tim on a rainy Saturday morning in 1977, he would not have ejected her from the premises for soiling his already crusty sheets with stale saltine crumbs.

While I firmly believe that Budweiser tastes only marginally better than one of my great uncle's asparagus-laced urine samples, I would not turn one down as a last grasp at pain management while attending a block watch party or one of Seattle's many dog funerals.

I believe that the music industry has hit rock bottom and I find today's artists slightly less appealing than my great aunt's pickled asparagus. Nevertheless, if someone waved free VIP tickets to a Beyoncé show, I'd squeal like a gerbil and immediately hop onto eBay for a good deal on an old gently owned mesh half shirt.

But wouldn't you agree that on certain issues, we just don't waver. We're pretty set in our core beliefs about religion, our children's education and of course...our politics.

Since I'm politically further to the left than Vladimir Lenin and George Clooney in the carpool lane, I thought I'd just take the temperature of the other side—those uptight, humorless, sexually repressed, hopelessly perverted folks whom I oppose with blurry eyed rancor.

No, not the cast of Jersey Shore. I'm referring to the Republicans.

Prior to gathering for their big drunk in Tampa a couple of weeks ago, a blue ribbon GOP committee hammered out the official 2012 Republican Party Platform. I'm not really sure what inspired these stuffy whities to bake up the most fascist hot dish since Mussolini tried his hand at Frito casserole, but boy, did they do Betty Crocker proud.

Here are a few of the core beliefs they submitted, tenets which the committee has advanced as non-negotiable stances of the Grand Old Party:

A Human Life Amendment, which bans abortion in all cases, including rape or incest. Leading the committee was Virginia's governor, Bob McDowell. I can understand why he opposed the whole incest thing. It would make him feel obligated to ask his mom/aunt and dad/uncle some pretty tough questions.

A salute to mandatory ultrasounds as prerequisites to abortions. A salute? That's weird in itself. They're basically saying, "Your punitive and unnecessarily invasive probe is wicked awesome!"

I wonder if they'd salute my idea, which would require men who want vasectomies to first be probed with a tapered tether ball pole. Probably not.

No legal recognition of same-sex couples. Does that mean it's okay to illegally recognize them, like while driving without a seat belt or shooting off bottle rockets?

No new taxes, except for war. Who can afford schools when, according to Mitt Romney, you're in a death struggle to keep up with the Soviet war machine? For all we know, at this moment they're developing a weapon which can take out every drive-through bay in America. Imagine actually walking into a fast food joint?

I understand, it's hard to think the unthinkable.

So, Republican friends, this question is for you: I know you don't necessarily subscribe to any or all of your party's platform.

But your guy does. Does he have your vote?

Tea Party Racism Stirs the Republican Martini.

Really?

Last weekend at a Republican party convention at the Missoula, Montana Hilton, an outhouse labeled "Obama Presidential Library" was plunked down in the middle of the hotel parking lot.

Ha! Good one.

The exterior of the portable comfort station was riddled with fake bullet holes. Inside, a pretend birth certificate for Barack Hussein Obama was stamped "bullshit," and jotted on the wall was the message, "For a good time, call 800-Michelle (crossed out), Hillary (crossed out) and Pelosi (circled in red)."

Yep, nothing cracks me up like the magical recipe of toilet humor, racism and misogyny. Keeps things light.

I'm starting to smell the singe of my own eyebrows so I should probably drag my canvas camp chair a couple of feet back from America's political bonfire...again.

It's been growing for a while; new logs have been added before the old ones have died, a few stray Styrofoam cups here, a Twix wrapper there. But now, someone's showed up drunk with bad intentions and a five-gallon can of ninety-two octane unleaded.

Politics is a dirty game—always has been.

While campaigning for John Kennedy during the 1960 presidential race, Harry Truman quipped, "If you vote for Nixon, you ought to go to hell."

Wow, such harsh words from a former commander-in-chief. At least it's not an order, it's more of a friendly suggestion.

In 1800, Thomas Jefferson wrote that President Adams possessed "a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman."

Come on now, Tom. You said this while wearing a wig.

A Republican pamphlet, in 1828, referred to Democrat Andrew Jackson as "a gambler, a slave trader and the husband of a really fat wife."

Jackson never forgave his opponents for such slander, vehemently denying that he'd ever gambled or traded slaves.

So it should come as no surprise that current day political vitriol—the "Willie Hortoning" of Michael Dukakis or the "swift boating" of John Kerry—relies on the same negativity for success that it's leaned on for centuries.

But here's the dangerous difference between now and every other era: The deadly combination of multi-million-dollar advertising pitches, combined with America's three-pixel attention span, assures that our country's massive cross section of lazy voters will cast their ballot based on thirty-second sound snippets wedged between American Idol contestants.

To exacerbate the systemic dysfunction, these information McNuggets will be promoted by groups like American Crossroads, seemingly benign organizations controlled and funded anonymously by corporate special interests.

In other words, we'll eat the Big Mac, but we won't know who made it.

Ever since a 2010 United States Supreme Court ruling enabled unlimited donations by corporations to political action committees, adverts will saturate our airwaves and the Kool-Aid will flow in the streets like never before.

It's the perfect storm. The Tea Party has emerged as America's racist backlash against its first black president. Intolerance and ignorance have blossomed to a bloom not seen since a wholesome Saturday night in Mississippi meant a pickup, a German Shepherd and a baseball bat.

Outhouses in Montana. Faux reporters and congressmen interrupting the President's speeches and governors finger wagging in his face.

That's disrespect not previously displayed for any President in America's history...and it's racism, pure and simple.

Republicans, what's the endgame here? Are you going to stand by and watch your party, with its centuries-old traditions of moderation and compromise, be callously hijacked by these faux patriots, these zealots?

As we speak, your candidate, Mitt Romney, is bending over so far for these folks, I thought I caught a glimpse of his limited edition underwear. Are you prepared to sell your ideals to the Joe the Plumbers, Sarah Palins and Karl Roves?

I thought you were smarter than that.

Obama has no chance in 2012. You heard me.

Like a bunch of third graders jutting their arms in the air and shouting for the teacher's favor and attention, the Republicans are already lining up. Even though many have no idea what the answer is to  the teacher's question, that's really not important; they merely want the bright lights to be turned toward their freshly pancaked pores.

Right now, there are so many of them, from also-rans to never-rans, from Tea Party to debutante party. These people are jockeying for position in a race which may not decide its winner for another seventeen months.

The great state of Iowa typically kicks off the electoral runoff, starting with a straw poll which can render some candidates prematurely irrelevant, like a basketball player who fouls out before even leaving the locker room. Many have invested time and personal fortunes toward securing a foothold in Iowa, but that's merely a thread of silk toward peeling the entire cob.

Ahead of them are exploratory committees and endless fundraisers, followed by town hall meetings, debates, caucuses, primaries and conventions. More palms will be pumped than a barracks during boot camp, week twenty.

But what if it didn't have to be that way? What if no more "I approved this" messages were allowed? What if America wasn't given the choice of electing her President based upon thirty-second television propaganda McNuggets?

What if each candidate, after having passed high-school-sophomore-level, multiple choice quizzes in math, science, current events and geography, were allowed a one-paragraph statement from an empty studio...and then America voted.

I'm not confident that one or any of the Republican front runners could pass the screening test, but for the sake of continuing this exercise, let's assume they do, and we'll begin with a statement by Candidate Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: Look, America, I realize I simultaneously led the effort to impeach a President based on an affair while dipping the wicker myself, but come on, trust me. I'm a man of principles as of three weeks ago, when I personally petitioned the Lord for forgiveness. Plus, my wife works really close to me now.

I also realize that I criticized President Obama for not taking action against Libya and then flipped a one-eighty and criticized him for attacking Libya. So I won't do stuff like that anymore. I stopped yesterday.

Donald Trump: America, do you understand that I've got more loose change in this raccoon's nest on my head than you do in your entire 401K? Come on, what's it gonna cost me to secure your vote? How about I comp your room at one of my casinos and include a nice bottle of Asti Spumante, eh?

And a shrimp platter, with cocktail sauce. Cocktail sauce, America!

Mitt Romney: Hello, my fellow Americans. It's me again, Mitt. Hey, guess what? I'm Lutheran now!

Michele Bachmann: Ladies and gentlemen, look closely at my face. See? I can droop my eyelids a little bit and not look as much like the bat shit crazy, desperate housewife of Minneapolis whom so many of you seem to believe I am.

Plus, I'm rather attractive, which should make up for that wrong answer on the sophomore test. I'm now fully aware that milk comes from cows, and then the store.

Mike Huckabee: My fellow Americans, I've got such a great sense of humor, you won't even notice that I'm not joking about putting a huge plexiglass bubble around our country and teaching creationism to every student except the brown ones who are squeegeeing the huge plexiglass bubble.

Sarah Palin: Hi, guys and gals, it's me again! Log on to Facebook to check out the new word I just made up about our little dust-up with Libya: "squirmish." Isn't it cute? Todd and I have squirmishes all the time and then I tie him up and we reconcile.

Anyway, you all know me already, so remember, by golly...a vote for Sarah is a vote for patrioticness!

I hope you agree, this is an effective, efficient solution to picking the G.O.P. presidential candidate and a technique to make us realize what a daunting roster it truly is.