Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Porn actors ordered to use condoms: Damn..I mean...It's about time!

Okay, so I suppose this is a good thing...once a few details are ironed out.

In January, the Los Angeles City Council, in an effort to curb the spread of sexually transmitted diseases within the adult film industry, passed a law requiring the use of condoms.

LA's fertile porn soil contributes to an estimated ninety percent of all adult movies made, yet city officials have yet to determine how to enforce the new rule. They've got six months to figure it out.

I completely understand the health concerns involved with unprotected sex in this mileu, especially since we're talking about "highly experienced" professionals, here. 

But this new law is certain to tarnish a movie's luster for the average consumer dude who enjoys watching unbridled lust in eleven-minute increments.

How do I know this? Research.

It's like eating jambalaya while suffering from a really bad cold—you taste the spices but are denied the entire bouquet of flavors.

It's akin to watching mud wrestling in windbreakers, like toiling over a tetrazzini with nothing but leftover tofurkey. I think you get the picture.

And secondly, who will apprehend the violators? Who will deliver these perpetrators to justice for breaking a tenet of which they've shown such naked contempt?

The Los Angeles Police Department, following decades of Rodney- and O.J.-inspired blunders, can assuredly right its vessel through a proper grasping and handling of this sensitive conundrum. And here's how:

After a thoughtful and thorough framework is drawn up by its top brass, the LAPD will unveil its innovative instrument of stealth in combating coital corruption—

The Prophylactic Enforcement Recognizance Vice Squad, or "PERVS."

And although I certainly won't be allowed to occupy a seat at the inaugural roll call of this elite unit, I can imagine the dialogue.

Sergeant: Okay, fellas, listen up! Welcome to the PERVS unit. You should feel proud to have been hand picked for this assignment, but understand this will not be a walk in the park. You're going to encounter a lot of mailmen, pizza delivery guys, copy machine repairmen...sometimes even a yard and food waste recycling technician...

But don't be fooled. These people are frauds and they're going to eventually show you far more than you bargained for, which usually happens around the time their faces look like Lee Harvey Oswald getting shot in the stomach.

So, after I read your assignments, I'll take any questions. 


Let's see, LaRue, you're going to the set of "Saturday Night Favor."

Jameson, I've got you checking out "Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou Sister?"

Um, Harris, you'll be monitoring "Perry Hotter and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin," and Garcia, I was going to assign you to "Close Encounters With a Third Hind," but I'm actually going to put you on "Gigantic."

Your job is to make sure Leonardo is wearing his Di-"Cap"-rio, if you know what I mean.

Okay, then, any questions?

Jameson: Sarge, what do we do if someone is...you know...driving without a seat belt?

Sergeant: Excellent question, Jameson. Don't do anything. Call me immediately and I'll drop everything and rush to the scene of the infraction. Once I've determined, upon close examination, that Batman isn't wearing his utility belt, I'll order the parties to freeze and lie face down on the floor.

Actually, I don't want to be hit with a brutality suit, so we'll have the male actor lie on his side for the time being. Any other questions?

Okay, good luck men. And take lots of photographs. We'll need evidence.

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