The War on Women: Believe It.

War—it springs eternal.

As constant as a heartbeat, as enduring as the tides.

But riddle me this: which war has raged without end for the duration of human existence thus far?

The war on drugs? Nope. The war on terror? Sorry.

It's the war on women.

Although stoked by the rantings of a drug-doped dirigible, the embers smoldered centuries before Mr. Limbaugh first woke up spooning with that rattling vial of magic opiates.

And that's a mistress he'll never disparage.

No, throughout time, this assault has been waged in the home and the workplace, the clinic and the bedroom, the courtrooms and the halls of Congress.

Thursday's New York Times unveiled the most recent salvo on women's rights, the fight to renew the federal Violence Against Women Act. On the books since 1994, the law surfaces for renewal every six years, and aims at sustaining funding for free legal assistance to domestic violence victims, extend the definition of violence against women to include stalking and provide training for civil and criminal court personnel to deal with families with a history of violence.

Oh, yes, it also proposes broadening the protection to same-sex couples, which is why the vote has been split right down party lines.

What the hell is going on here?

First, conservatives and Catholic bishops rally against the President's contraception mandate despite the glaring fact that ninety-eight percent of Catholic women have used contraception.

Leave it to the power of celibacy to gauge the pulse of the American woman.

Then, in a move right out of the Salem Witch Trial Owner's Manual, the Virginia House of Delegates passes a law requiring women seeking to exercise their right to choose, to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound probe prior to doing so, and then be forced to wait ten days.

This procedure has no medical value whatsoever; its only purpose is to shame and embarrass its recipient. In effect, she must submit herself to a punitive, state-sanctioned rape.

I'm certainly not so naïve to be surprised by these developments. Institutional control of our female population is a concept that's been around since Eve fouled the nest of humanity through her gullible acceptance of the apple from that Muppet in the tree.

It was all her fault. Eve was the original female Gilligan. If it weren't for her fool heartedness, we'd all be cavorting naked in the sun, riding lions and rhinos bareback and eating as many Oreos as we want.

But no. Eve screwed up, hence women must rightly pay the price for eternity.

I'd like to think that even if I weren't father to two daughters, I'd still be appalled by these developments.

But since I am, this battle has become personal.