The War on Women: Believe It.

War—it springs eternal.

As constant as a heartbeat, as enduring as the tides.

But riddle me this: which war has raged without end for the duration of human existence thus far?

The war on drugs? Nope. The war on terror? Sorry.

It's the war on women.

Although stoked by the rantings of a drug-doped dirigible, the embers smoldered centuries before Mr. Limbaugh first woke up spooning with that rattling vial of magic opiates.

And that's a mistress he'll never disparage.

No, throughout time, this assault has been waged in the home and the workplace, the clinic and the bedroom, the courtrooms and the halls of Congress.

Thursday's New York Times unveiled the most recent salvo on women's rights, the fight to renew the federal Violence Against Women Act. On the books since 1994, the law surfaces for renewal every six years, and aims at sustaining funding for free legal assistance to domestic violence victims, extend the definition of violence against women to include stalking and provide training for civil and criminal court personnel to deal with families with a history of violence.

Oh, yes, it also proposes broadening the protection to same-sex couples, which is why the vote has been split right down party lines.

What the hell is going on here?

First, conservatives and Catholic bishops rally against the President's contraception mandate despite the glaring fact that ninety-eight percent of Catholic women have used contraception.

Leave it to the power of celibacy to gauge the pulse of the American woman.

Then, in a move right out of the Salem Witch Trial Owner's Manual, the Virginia House of Delegates passes a law requiring women seeking to exercise their right to choose, to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound probe prior to doing so, and then be forced to wait ten days.

This procedure has no medical value whatsoever; its only purpose is to shame and embarrass its recipient. In effect, she must submit herself to a punitive, state-sanctioned rape.

I'm certainly not so naïve to be surprised by these developments. Institutional control of our female population is a concept that's been around since Eve fouled the nest of humanity through her gullible acceptance of the apple from that Muppet in the tree.

It was all her fault. Eve was the original female Gilligan. If it weren't for her fool heartedness, we'd all be cavorting naked in the sun, riding lions and rhinos bareback and eating as many Oreos as we want.

But no. Eve screwed up, hence women must rightly pay the price for eternity.

I'd like to think that even if I weren't father to two daughters, I'd still be appalled by these developments.

But since I am, this battle has become personal.

Freeze! Morality Police! Now Spread ’Em!

These guys are killing me.

I remember thinking, during the darkest hours of the W. Bush administration, "There's no way things can get any worse. There's not a chance that we'll ever again experience such a perfect storm of hubris, ignorance and stupidity.

And while we are no longer subject to a president who purportedly received his marching orders from JC, we definitely haven't emerged from the wilderness of Bonehead National Park.

I enjoy writing my Saturday posts because they usually pertain to lighter subjects, like anniversaries of historical events, birthdays or general public interest stories. But this morning as I perused my local paper, I was summarily bludgeoned across the face with a double whammy from the idiot sausage.

In back-to-back headlines, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee lambasted Natlie Portman for glamorizing the idea of out-of-wedlock children. Not to be outdone, the burnt-ember faced Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, John Boehner, has threatened to defend a federal ban on gay marriage in court, after Attorney General Eric Holder declared the ban unconstitutional.

Above is a nice photo of the Huckabee family, taken while Mr. Mike was still governor. Such a handsome assembly could only have been conceived under the auspices of wedded bliss. Oh, by the way, Huckabee boys, Bed, Bath and Beyond called and they want their bunk bed sheets back.

Okay, that was a cheap shot. I'm obviously jealous that I never had the opportunity to pose for a family portrait with the Arkansas executive mansion in the background and a hearty Sunday buffet just around the corner.

Who is this man to judge Natalie Portman's decisions? He claims that she "glamorizes" out-of-wedlock child bearing, but I have yet to see any TV spots featuring Ms. Portman, where she proclaims, "Hi, girls. I'm Natalie Portman. I  now you're only sixteen, but kudos for hooking up with that hot senior guy. You're going to love being a single mom, and really, you aren't a single mom. Your mom will need to help out a lot, too! Out-of-wedlock births: for a night, for a lifetime."

For some reason, these conservative talking heads, like Huckabee and Boehner, believe that if it weren't for their steadfast defense of "traditional values," our entire culture would evolve into a huge, Caligula-style orgy.

I wish.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my male work friends married his longtime partner. It wasn't some bacchanalian festival of perversion, it was a wedding, with a reception and everything. Of course, they won't have the rights of heterosexual married couples, especially if Mr. Speaker has any say in the matter, and it's interesting how Boehner chooses to inject himself into all of this.

Maybe he subscribes to the opinions of Ken Hutcherson, pastor of the Antioch Bible Church, a massive full service operation here in the Seattle area, who has been at the forefront of gay discrimination legislation. During an interview a few years ago on one of Seattle's conservative talk radio stations,  I listened as Reverend Hutcherson shared his belief that if our society were to allow same sex marriage, it would instantly throw open a Pandora's box of deviant couplings, such as polygamy or bestiality. By the looks of the above photograph, such practices are already legal in Arkansas.

Okay, sorry. Not cool.

Can't these people attempt to focus  on the issues which actually threaten America, like jobs, infrastructure, a new energy policy and a long term plan for the two wars we're waging? The Republicans claimed to have received an electoral mandate with their sweeping victory during the fall of 2010, so it's time to put up or shut up.

For a group of people who ostensibly despise government excess and intrusion, they seem concerned exclusively with projecting their personal social values onto others, while ignoring everything else.

Like my mom used to say, "Go out and do something productive."

Life after Facebook de-friending: How to pick up the pieces.

It's cool. I'm okay...really.

Yesterday, I discovered that a guy had "de-friended" me on Facebook. Instantly, I was overcome with emotion— confusion, dismay, sadness. How should I feel, since he really wasn't my pal in the first place, yet he still cared enough to become my "e-friend?"

Rejection is never easy, and I've had my share of it. I decided to rank this setback among my life's other disappointments, just to keep things in perspective. Was it worse than realizing I could never grow a really good mustache? No way. Was I more distraught than when I discovered that I'd built my gas grill backwards, and I'd need another full day to reassemble it? Yes, I was.

In the final analysis, on the disappointment scale, my de-friending landed somewhere between the Seattle Supersonics leaving for Oklahoma City and Pee Wee Herman getting busted "red handed." I realized, yet again, that it's not how we deal with success, it's how we handle the slimy bologna slap of rejection.

After eventually swallowing the bitter pill, I turned inward. Why had this happened? What could I have done differently?

I'm fully aware that my writings have polarized and offended those who:

-believe that five thousand years ago, Adam was either created in God's image (which apparently resembles Mattel's Ken doll plus naughty area), or was dropped off by aliens from the planet Xenu.

-favor affordable health care, for those who can afford it.

-don't want their children taught by anyone gay, because the teacher may either sneeze the gay onto the child or accidentally touch the kid and transfer a lighter case of bisexuality.

-are convinced that our President is Chairman Mao's love child, conceived out of wedlock with an African succubus while on vacation at the Kenyan Club Med.

-Believe that Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh more closely resemble Abraham, Martin and John than Moe, Curly and Larry.

A large number of my friends and family members ideologically lean to the right, and they know I love them unconditionally. And for the rest of you, go ahead and de-friend me. Your scorn will only fortify my resolve.

Besides, I've found these new places called chat rooms, filled with new friends who happen to be single, hot and 22 years old.

I will love again.

Ten reasons why I've decided to join the Tea Party

10) Our country is filled with too many educated people already. We don't need our tax dollars paying for more kids getting their heads filled with complicated words I can't understand. I'm also tired of replacing those red rubber recess balls that get kicked onto the roof.

9) America's infrastructure is fine. The roads are in great condition, and my Hummer doesn't know the difference between a pothole and a poodle.

8) I love going to the Tea Party rallies. After looking around me, I feel really thin—even when I wear my fanny pack.

7) The government needs to stay away from our businesses, our guns and our homes... except if someone is gay. In that case, we need to make sure nothing perverted or anti-Christian is going on in there. I'll volunteer to go check things out.

6) I'm tired of eating six-dollar burritos, made by illegal aliens. I want to eat fifteen-dollar burritos, assembled by real Americans.

5) America needs true patriots now more than it ever has during the five thousand years since God created America and plunked Adam and Eve down somewhere in western Pennsylvania.

4) I want to ride Sarah Palin all the way to the White House. I didn't mean it that way.

3) I finally understand what socialism is. It's where the government redistributes my hard-earned wages to slackers like my grandma. And let me tell you, it turns my stomach.

2) I refuse to support a President who wasn't born on American soil. He was born in Hawaii.

1) I'm white, my position of privilege feels threatened, and I need someone to blame.