Am I cool? Guilty.

What truly is cool? Is the term ,"cool," an absolute, or is it, in fact, in the eye of the beholder?

Well, this is your lucky day, because I've got the answer. Cool is an absolute, and fortunately, I needed to investigate no further than my own basement to find such a solution. Cool is something we either have...or we don't.

Let's begin.

There's "so little, you don't know what the term means" cool:

And then there's "kindergarten turtle neck" cool:

There's "brooding, iconic, sports figure" cool, because only the hippest, coolest athletes can successfully rock vertically striped socks:

And of course, you've got "pointy-collared" cool, which obviously stands the test of time:

There's "I'm so cool, I don't even care that I've got more zits than Idaho has Nazis" cool:

And it's no coincidence that "cool" begins with the same letter as "camel toe":

And who isn't familiar with guys who are so cool, they don't mind standing in front of the same butterfly that's on most tampon boxes:

I realize I'm really blessed to have never had an awkward, uncool phase in my life, and I hope no one who reads this feels any pangs of jealousy. Sometimes I wish I could be different, but one thing's for sure:

You can run from cool, but you can't hide.