To the Class of 2010: for your ears only

I've always wanted to give a high school commencement speech, mostly because I've got so much really profound advice to offer.

Since I'll probably never get the opportunity, I'm using this web log as a forum for my virtual graduation speech that never was. Rather than offering lofty, abstract guidance, I'm choosing to take a more realistic, pragmatic approach, aimed at the fortunate youth who are moving on to institutions of higher learning. So, to the class of 2010:

As I previously stated, you are extremely fortunate to have been given this opportunity. Don't blow it. Nothing but sheer serendipity has prevented you from growing up on the streets of Mumbai or somewhere in Albania.

I know it's going to be tough making those 8:30 classes, but do whatever it takes to not show up for Geology 101 wearing jammies and flip-flops, and carrying a bag of breakfast burritos.

Please don't treat the academic week as follows:
Monday night—study
Tuesday night—study
Wednesday night—study
Thursday night—time to celebrate a hard week of studying
Friday night—Friday night!
Saturday night—Saturday night!
Sunday night—last night to relax before the rough week ahead

If you ever take a road trip with some friends to, let's say, Corvallis, and you go to a party and pose for a group photo, don't flash an obscene gesture, no matter how anonymous you may feel at the time. I did this. The picture ended up in our yearbook. My mom saw it.

On the rare occasion where your parents pay a visit to your living quarters, give yourself more than five minutes to clean up and prepare. Otherwise, they'll notice stuff you don't want them to notice.

Keep exercising. Too many 11:30 calls to Domino's and cheap, all-you-can-eat buffets will catch up with you.

Don't date anyone with a mustache, especially a male. Don't ask me why. Just don't.

It's okay to wear your clothes twice before washing them. After that, however, you'll begin to assume the aroma of beef barley soup cooking in a stair well.

If someone hands you a ticket to a free movie screening starring Tom Cruise, read the fine print and make sure the following sequence of letters is not included on said ticket: S-C-I-E-N-T-O-L-O-G-Y

When you meet someone new, try really hard not to ask him or her what his or her major is. This phrase is a kissing cousin of "What's your sign?"

Call your parents, bring your friends home for the holidays and take classes in which you're interested.

And enjoy that flat stomach while you can.