Sunday, August 1, 2010

The five most expensive celebrity weddings: no pigs in a blanket

Finally, Chelsea Clinton is married. At last, I can bathe and go to the grocery store.

We're all quite accustomed to high-profile, celebrity weddings—you've got your Madonna and Sean and Madonna and Guy, your Brad and Jennifer, your Elton John and David Furnish. Looks like only one out of four of these panned out, and it happened to be the two dudes.

Rumors ran rampant that the final tab of Chelsea's wedding to Marc Mezvinsky would tip the scale at $3.5 million. It actually landed somewhere around a "more reasonable" $1 million. I really don't take issue with a million-dollar Clinton wedding, simply due to the amount of security required for the former leader of the universe and his powerful cronies. Plus, Bill may have required additional manpower to hide the Kardashians, who were waiting for him in the coatroom.

Yesterday's nuptials piqued my curiosity about the most expensive celebrity weddings of all time. As always, we ask, and the interweb provides. Here are the top five, according to

5) Elizabeth Taylor to Larry Fortinsky (estimated cost: $2 million)
Larry was a construction worker when he won the Liz lottery. They divorced five years later, probably when her fantasy to hang out with the lead singer from Whitesnake finally lost its luster.

4) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (estimated cost: $2 million)
Apparently, the ceremony was performed by Xenu, head of the Galactic Federation. The wedding would have cost five-hundred grand less, but Cruise had to be purged of a stubborn thetan who objected to the union at the last minute, and Xenu's services don't come cheaply.

3) Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar (estimated cost: $2.5 million)
Their ceremony lasted eight days. Eight days. Cher and Greg Allman weren't even married that long.

2) Paul McCartney and Heather Mills (estimated cost: $3 million)
In this photo, it looks like Paul is kissing her while wearing a latex glove, but I'm sure those hands have seen their share of wear and tear, and they're probably highly-insured.

Paul decided rather than being married, that he preferred being here, there and everywhere, and really, he doesn't need love. All you need is hair dye.

Sorry, John was my favorite.

1) Liza Minnelli and David Gest (estimated cost: $3.5 million)


Sure, it can be a lot of fun to attend an expensive wedding—great food, super drinks. But I'll take a keg of Hamm's at the VFW Hall anytime. Set up a few card tables with some meatballs, potato salad and pigs in a blanket. Bring out the bride for a dollar dance. Crank up the standard wedding dance tunes, like "Twist and Shout", "What I Like About You," "Old Time Rock-n-Roll" and "Highway to Hell" (well, maybe not).

And a big stack of those red, plastic cups.

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