Monday, August 30, 2010

My ego is bigger than yours

Once again, the male ego turns on its master.

Today, seven-time Cy Young Award winner and would-be Hall of Fame pitcher, Roger Clemens, will be arraigned in Federal Court. He allegedly lied to Congress regarding his abuse of steroids and performance enhancing drugs two years ago while testifying about drug use in Major League Baseball.

During his stay in Washington, Clemens, also known as "The Rocket," believed that his powerful mystique and public relations skill would suffice to clear him of any wrongdoing. He used the opportunity to meet several members of Congress prior to testifying, signing baseballs and posing for photographs.

Self opinion has never been a deficiency of Clemens', as his massive ego nearly matches the expansive black hole between his ears. His four sons, Kory, Koby, Kacy and Kody, were all christened with names beginning with "K", signifying a strikeout in baseball terminology. One of his more recent license plates read, "CY-MVP." Oh, and here's a picture of The Rocket and Mrs. The Rocket:

They seem nicely grounded.

I realize I'm going to extremes to illustrate the potential of the male ego. I'm sure Clemens believes that he truly has made the world a better place because he could throw a small white ball 95 miles per hour. And maybe Glenn Beck is convinced that he's helping America by inciting hatred and fear among us unfortunate, victimized white folks, on the anniversary and site of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" address.

But I'd really like to talk about the average guys. We've all said and done some really ridiculous things in service to our egos. Men, I'm going to list some quotes—actual phrases I've uttered over the years (for the most part)— and if you can honestly say you've never said or thought anything similar, then you have truly transcended egotism.

(Speaking to the spouse while trying on some old jeans) "Honey, I think you dried my pants too long. I can't get them on, so they must've shrunk. Where's that bungee cord? And I think we need a new mirror. This one's all warped."

(A thought while standing next to another guy at a public restroom urinal) "Ha, I knew it. I can totally pee longer than this dude."

(Speaking to the spouse at 10:47 PM, dabbing my sweaty brow with a small towel) "I told you I could build a cat perch. I know it cost $450 and took three weeks. What's your point? This thing will still be around when after giant moths take over the world."

(To the teenage daughter) "No, I'm absolutely not afraid of playing you in one-on-one. I just don't want to. Even the Supreme Court can refuse to hear a case, and I'm invoking my Parental Supreme Court Option."

(To the family, in the back yard) "Of course it's not burned. It's called Cajun Blackened Chicken."

(To the younger, ten-year-old daughter) "Watch how fast Dad can serve a tennis ball. Ooh, sorry. Are you okay? Don't tell Mom."

(To the same child, as a four-year-old) "Listen, honey, go get yourself a juice box and some Teddy Grahams while Dad finishes the Lego structure. Don't put that one there. Only the blue ones go there."

(To the entire family, at the bowling alley) "You kids realize that I would've gotten a higher score than you if I had used the bumpers, right?"

Oh, sure, that just scratches the surface, and I could add a lot more to this list...if I felt like it. Right now, though, I need to show the kids my old trophies.

No comments :

Post a Comment