Ten reasons why I've decided to join the Tea Party

10) Our country is filled with too many educated people already. We don't need our tax dollars paying for more kids getting their heads filled with complicated words I can't understand. I'm also tired of replacing those red rubber recess balls that get kicked onto the roof.

9) America's infrastructure is fine. The roads are in great condition, and my Hummer doesn't know the difference between a pothole and a poodle.

8) I love going to the Tea Party rallies. After looking around me, I feel really thin—even when I wear my fanny pack.

7) The government needs to stay away from our businesses, our guns and our homes... except if someone is gay. In that case, we need to make sure nothing perverted or anti-Christian is going on in there. I'll volunteer to go check things out.

6) I'm tired of eating six-dollar burritos, made by illegal aliens. I want to eat fifteen-dollar burritos, assembled by real Americans.

5) America needs true patriots now more than it ever has during the five thousand years since God created America and plunked Adam and Eve down somewhere in western Pennsylvania.

4) I want to ride Sarah Palin all the way to the White House. I didn't mean it that way.

3) I finally understand what socialism is. It's where the government redistributes my hard-earned wages to slackers like my grandma. And let me tell you, it turns my stomach.

2) I refuse to support a President who wasn't born on American soil. He was born in Hawaii.

1) I'm white, my position of privilege feels threatened, and I need someone to blame.